Lamentations...

You know, how I wish I could just get on with life – without having to work.. without having to fulfil responsibilities and stuff. But it doesn’t work that way.

Today my colleague said this about me: “Finally she’s smiling” coz finally I manage to complete some work (about 1/3) and it was like a burden lifted really. Reminded me of not too long ago, think about 2-3 weeks back.. another friend of mine said “It’s good to see you smiling” haha.. and I was like you mean I don’t smile at all! And he was like I always seem bothered.

Work is terrible now and I don’t think its just because my colleague is on MC for two weeks, but suddenly there is a surge in feedback. Quite chialat, but so far I am able to survive.. I have been surviving.. no choice right.. but on Monday I was at my worst.. now I know why people are driven to do what they do.. such as entertain thoughts of ------ ??? which I shan’t say. I really felt as though there was no hope and that I was doomed and I had nowhere to go. Amazingly I am still here today. Haha…

I’m just glad that the aircon went off yesterday, thus HR declared that we could go off earlier (5pm). Even if I wanted to stay back I couldn’t coz firstly no one else was staying back, secondly if I stayed I would have died from the heat. Someone mentioned that the electricity and aircon going off was an ‘act of God’. I believe it could be so.. at least my case.. hehe… this started on Sat.. and although on Sat I was desperate for it to come back for me to be able to complete my work, I saw the advantages.. phone line off, connection off.. time to be able to type some cases and later just copy and paste… and by being left off early, I was able to go for mass and visit Jesus in the adoration room. It was really wonderful especially since he is the only one I can rely on and I seem to have neglected him too.

Other than that I am really enjoying life at work and my work pals aside from the work itself that I have to do. As I’ve mentioned my two closest pals at work make it fun and interesting we have a lot of laughs and our friendship has carried on outside of work in the sense that we can go out and talk about other stuff and things like that. I wonder how it will be like once my ‘irritating colleaugue’ comes back to work next Monday. Yup that’s how I’ve labelled her. I may sound bad, but life is perfectly good at work without her, even though there is extra workload. I do not have someone constantly opening her eyes wide like a goldfish (literally) looking at my computer screen, someone checking up on me telling me to do this and that, how I should I have done this and that, someone who wants to be better than me, appearing to ‘backstab’ me and always going straight to our Reporting Officer telling her stuff about me. Do you know that the steamboat outing we all were suppose to have was because this irritating colleague went to manager to say that she felt tension between us and because of that manager felt we should have a bonding session. Goodness and I thought it was because of Chinese New Year. Someone constantly breathing down my neck and trying to convert me into a Christian?? Hello… just because I don’t talk about God as openly as you do does not mean He is not in my life??

I thought I could just ignore her and be happy but I can’t, coz she notices that I am not so ‘friendly’ and tells the manager so. I guess I have to be civil. And thinking about it aren’t we supposed to love our enemies. Gee. Lord please help me with this. Life is perfect with my other colleagues though and I thank God each and every day for providing me with such pals. But I always wonder why is it that I always seem to click with my work colleagues better than with my friends from other places. With work people I can be myself, a joker, act silly, talk nonsense, and yet be serious at the same time. With other friends from elsewhere, I tend to be quiet and rather stay in the background. Sigh. I don’t really know what’s my purpose in life. I don’t really know what God wants of me. All I know is that he loves me very much and he has shown me time and again and yet I am always straying always disillusioned and always confused and arrggghhh I seem to have neglected ----!!!! And work is killing me!! I want to enjoy life but I am not!! Ahhhh my God… my God…

P.S. Oh yeah.. and if you’re my friend, and reading this… I know that I am pretty immature sometimes in what I say or do.. and sometimes don’t behave my age (unintentionally), but please don’t ever talk to me like I’m a little girl. I can’t stand it really. Thanks.

Help I can't take it :(

I'm surrounded by great people at work.. my 2 close pals Regine & Sandhya... my nice manager who has loads of tolerence for me.. and lotsa friendly and cheerful and funny people from other departments..

however this is not enough to keep me going...its the job I don't like... I'm suffereing from tremendous pressure... and stress.... on a verge of a break down... some of it is partly my fault... a few customers I did not reply so now feeling the pressure of getting back late to them... alot of it is extra workload coz one of my colleaugue is on 2 weeks MC.. and I don't know why there is suddenly a surge in feedback and complaints... today alone there was 20 emails waiting to be replied to and investigations to be conducted :( :( sobsob

and the nasty customer I mentioned... today I heard he has written in to The Straits Times about all of us, and he is just waiting for the letter to be published coz he has contacts there. He also mentioned that I rudely asked him "are you trying to corner me" which my manager said I shouldn't have said... what was I supposed to do, the fella was pratically pushing me down trying to get me to say yes or no to admit that we are in the wrong.... ahhhhhhhh I'm staying back practically everyday and its not enough and my eyes are damn painful staring at the PC I can't take it

:( :( :( :( what am I supposed to do... I'm still alive I'm not dead.... therefore I can't escape and I can't run anywhere either sobsobsob

Easter!!!

Yayyy!! Happy Easter everyone!!!

Do you know what Easter means!! Jesus rose from the dead!! He overcame death, defeated the devil and forgave sins!! There is salvation and hope for all!!!

Whats amazing is... see Saturday (holy Sat) was my turn to work... so sucky... I intended to stay back as usual... coZ of tons of work to do.. when suddenly at 12.20 (knock off time was 12.30)there was a blackout!!! ARRRGGGHH... the lights came back on at about 12.50pm.. nut the pc never did... can u imagine... how to complete work like that... I stayed in the office till about 2plus though... arranging stuff, filing, clearing my table. Of course this spelt impending doom on Monday.

There was also a really horrible nasty customer who demanded to speak to a manager, and wanted the manager to meet him at 11am on that same day to settle the matter. Really horrible he was, he kept questionning me and cornering me. And what was his complaint about? On the 19th he was asked not to skate around in one of our stores by the security officer because it was dangerous. He was wearing rollerblades. And he he feedback now only. He was really terrible... asking me if I recorded teh conversation, asking me if I had the contact numbers of the pple in charge and what would I do in emergencies, and spoke to me as though I was a kid like that ( I HATE people who do that).. I had to keep calling him a few times back while i kept manager updated... in the end we maintained we will settle the matter for him on Monday. He was damn difficult forcing me to asnwer yes no questions as in, "yes or no, you cant make a decision? you can't solve my problem?" I maintained Monday until he got fed up and hung up the phone. Later he called recept and asked for overall in charge name and said he was going to come in on Monday to look for CEO. Go ahead. MEANIE this type of people got no life.

Anyway I went for Easter Vigil mass and it was amazing right from the start!! I haven't been exceptionally holy nor exceptionally good but I haven't done anything bad either, but I still felt God. Right from the start I was filled with this immense joy that had me grinning from ear to ear and just feeling so happy and light it was amazing!!! Like there's nothing to worry about and you just feel so happy you want to praise God nonstop, do cartwheels and run around hugging and kissing everybody and pread the love and joy to everyone. If only I could feel like this everyday. I don't know how long I can work in this job. Keep thinking about how it would be like to become a nun but then it would be for the wrong reasons right. Sorta like running away. You know on Good Friday Fr Fred was saying you ask God a question and most of the time you don't get an answer. Just long silences. Hahah.

Anyway I'll be going to watch Miss Congeniality in a while. Probably eat at Pastamania or Fish & Co. Yayy... its this sorta things that make me happy. I wish I could do this everyday. Hey recently I've taken a fancy to 'Jack Skellington' you know this character from the movie 'Nightmare before Christmas'. I've never seen the movie but the cartoon is sooo cute, I've sorta fell in love with him. There's this shop called 'More than Words' at Harbourfront that sells his barang barang. I can't wait to next go there to buy some stuff. They also got this shop that sells nice dresses but a bit ex. Shopping is another past time that makes me happy. But also extremely broke hahahaha. Oh yeah and I've also taken a huggge fancy to soft toys that have long legs and huge feet. They're sooo cute!! I have one such toy that I mentioned before... with huge feet and I saw somemore at a shop at Tan Tock Seng after visiting a friend. I just had to buy it. 'Bestever' funny feet animals. Keke.

I can't wait for my work to settle fast or else I can't enjoy doing other stuff. Need a miracle please pray for me! Or I might as well quit before getting fired!! Haha.. so dramatic. Anyway...another thing that Ive been dying to resume are my Class 2B motorbike lessons!! Yeah... but I'm so afraid of falling and balancing the bike!! Arrgghh.. Im a chicken. How, any tips for me?

Okie I'll go and laze around abit as its Sunday!!! Leave Monday blues and Monday's impending doom for tomorow. Ever heard the saying, let tomorow worry itself. Hahaha.. may God's grace, peace and love be with you always.

Love,
Marie
aka Mars
aka Mali
aka ???
*huge grin*

:(

What happened months ago when I first started out is happening again - only this time its much worse.

My work is piling up and its piling up day by day... I have tons of enquiries that require more phonecalls, tons of of customers to get back to, who might very well decide to complain against me for late replies, thus I might get fired, tons of cases that are not keyed into the system, that need to be keyed for customer's records as well as to show proof that there is work being done, and I don't know why but suddenly there are tons of feedback. My colleaugue also received two huge piles of feedback forms and letters yesterday and today. Whats worse is that the phonecalls keep on coming in, one after another, which we can't ignore, thus adding to the pile of work. The email address that I am in charge of receives tons of emails a day that requires attending to as well. On top of that I have extra stuff that I am supposed to complete for my manager, and I think she's gonna hate me for handing in late work, or is already hating me. I also feel terrible, I have the stupid period that chose to delay itself and come today of all days, and my flu is never ending and I seem to be having gastric all the time even though I eat and ARRGGGHH I wanna scream and just go one corner and cry.

We're down to two of us as one of my colleague is on MC for 2 weeks. I missed Wednesday prayers today because I had to stay back to complete my work and I just worked from home just now. And it looks as though Im going to miss Maundy Thurs mass tomorow as well because if I'm unable to clear my work I might as well just die right? Lunch today was half an hour coz of work. And are you wondering why am I writing this blog when I'm so busy? Well I need a break don't I?? sobsobsobsobsobsob.. I shall go pray now... please pray for me too... I need a miracle now :(

A smile a day keeps the blues away!

heyaaa...

haven't written in a while as usual... haha... bz me...

saw 2 movies this week... 'Unfortunate Events' and 'Son of the Mask'. Nothing fantastic about these 2, not a 'Must see' but not that bad either, as in I wouldn't slam them and I don't regret them. I also love the effects in Unfortunate Events. I like this kinda 'olden days, fantasy story booky kinda look'. Today was a lazy day for me. I watched 'Liar Liar' on cable. Then saw 'The Mummy Returns' (possibly one of my fav movies of all time as well.. love this archaelogical mythical kinda movie) and then another Jim Carrey movie... Bruce Almighty.

Friday was a good day. Hey, for the record, this week 3 days out of 5 I went to work without taking a cab!! Whoopeee... so happy. Yeah, so Fri started out with bus taking, then at the bus stop I saw one of the managers from my company, whom I've talked to regarding work but never really said hi. So anyway I did so and we made small talk and it was kewl!!! She was quite friendly :D ... and then at work I tried smiling at people whom I've always seen around and can recognise but never said hello. Erm, of course a few wasn't recripocrated... they gave me wierd looks... haha... or maybe they weren't looking at me? Nevertheless... Fri was also a busy bussssyyyy day. Lots of stuff to do.. especially since my colleaugue was on leave and another one was going to be on leave soon so cannot take any busy case... and yet everything was so far so good... me was so happy...!! Haha... and I realised that being happy is good.. because the joy you feel you just want to share with everyone even with people you don't like. Defintely good. Me must smile more at pple. Then can get to know em too. Keke.

Actually I'm so looking forward to work on Mon. One reason I shan't say coz its not so nice. Another reason is coz even though I know there is work to do, and work outstanding, I know I have work and I know that I will be able to do it and that time will past super fast! Keke. Then I just went to see the emails from the website. Just only... 10 minutes ago. Guess what. I sent out an email to this lady telling her that her book would probably arrive on Thurs, and to call the branch to see if it's available first before going down. And I get an email reply sent to all of us from my manager saying that it is NOT customer centric and to please do little things such as this in the future. Gee. !!! So embarrassing. And a bit disheartening. Yeah yeah.. so what in the world am I working as customer service for?? Gee!

I can't handle all those crazy nasty fussy customers - and I always seem to kena them. Really.
I always dilly dally... causing in delay of reply.. lack of urgency.. equal = not good

I always thought Jesus gave me this job (Really he did.. you can read my previous posts... ) so that i can brush up my conversational skills with people and at the same time, grow and learn to deal with people from all walks of life. I always thought its supposed to help me to build skills that I can use in the deejay job that I've always wanted and also skills that might help me when I'm serving in the church ministry. Hmm... but half a year on the job and nothing much!! As in I'm still the same - no improvements - Gee. And we're up for appraisal somemore. GEE! Definitely no promotion. Hopefully still got increment. And nope, I'm not gonna switch jobs in a while... (even though I saw one really attractive job b4!!) coz firstly.. I've worked less than a year.. may seem like job hopping... and also very little experience... secondly.. I've simply got no time to write resumes/letters or go searching for jobs (yeah lazy me too.. also suck at resumes and cover letters) thirdly.. well don't feel like changing. Well just like Jesus gave me this job, hopefully he will give me my next job? Deejaying can, Jesus?Well I suppose when the time comes, it comes. I will know it and the opportunity will be open. For now, arrgghh!! I've gotta be a counsellor for the wierd, fussy, mad, old, nasty, crazy people!!! Tahan tahan... never bring work home... and oh well.. I hate to say this.. - coz its like how can it help me if I would be changing jobs to something so different in the future, and also because its so cliche: - learn something new everyday! GEE!

I'm a bummer lah. Looking forward to going Aussie end of this year. Looking forward to getting older soon - NOT. Haha. Looking forward to another day of life to try new things. MUST save money for a rainy day. I've realised the importance of it. I mean what if I suddenly got retrenched!! How to survive!!

Things on my TO DO list that I haven't seem to get down to doing: (Please BUG me)
- Resume Class 2B lessons
- Join hiphop dance class at Jitterbugs
- Practise one song at a time on the guitar to perfect it before moving on to others, therefore not being so messy and not improving!!!
- EXCERCISE.. no will power to jog or do sit ups to flatten tummy at all!! GEE
- Read the outstanding books that I have
- Tidy up my room
- Meet up with friends that I've been wanting to meet up in ages but keep postponing

Brief Updates

Hehe...

Last friday saw Disney on Ice... I don't recall watching a show like this when I was small. Nice!!! Somemore theme is Princess Classics... can you imagine how spectacular and beautiful and fairy tale like it was... Cinderella they had the carriage.. (as in beautiful props) Aladdin they had the magic carpet... Ariel the mermaid had the lobster and 'Under the Sea' song... Beauty had the Beast.. Snow White had the Seven dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty had the wheel..there was Mulan too... simply beautiful. Too bad a bit far away from stage. Met with Mai and 2 sec sch friends whom I was very happy they came.. so we had a chance to catch up a bit.. after the show we went to Changi Airport (to avoid the crowd) and we sat at BK for a while.. reached home just after 12... me was happy :) I can simply be happy just sitting down anywhere with friends talking... (and I dont mind eating too hahaha!! :P )so you get the hint! Hahahah... :D

Thurs evening me saw Nazira at Purmei!! Yayyy!! Me saw this girl that looked like my sis talking to my mom from far... she waved at me enthusiastically and I was like, my sis doesn't do that!! Hehe.. it was great seeing her yah.. hope can meet up soon.

Saturday, Benny Hinn day. Thing was I didn't go. Asked em whether they were going but they said no, coz the previous day was too crowded and they couldn't get in. So me decided to stay on at work until 2.30pm, to finish up cases. Coz I knew weekday won't have time to stay back. (Thank GOD audit kept on postponing!!) Later when they decided to go I was already on my way back and exhausted. Oh well, I've always been skeptical of what do you call them, 'Christian evangelists/preachers' I don't know.. but I had a nice time with my mom... went to Anatolia restaurant!! Been wanting to go there in ages. Then went for some slight shopping at This Fashion. Hehe. You know gals.. I know there are many brands out there that are pretty good such as Mango, Miss Selfridge, Mphosis, etc.. but sometimes you can get really good bargains and fashion at This Fashion. Me got the 10% discount card if you want.

Sun...today.. went to Sweelee (guitar shop) finally!!! So happy!!! Got myself the strings that I wanted and the tuner as well...(sigh I lost my previous tuner... I better take extra care and caution with this one... its in a sleek silverish gold colour and comes with sound as well. And Nandee showed me how to string my guitar.. actually Dennis showed me too last year sometime in Sept and in the end ended up stringing for me and I kinda forgot how to string since then. Anyway Nandee strung for me 2 strings, the rest I just did it myself!! Yeah it is pretty easy... and I'm so happy I managed to do it.. and I got a tuner back in my possession.. now I'm all equipped to practise my guitar like crazy so I can get better. If only I can manage my time properly tho. Haha.

2morow am probably gonna watch a movie (probably Unfortunate Events) after work. Happy happy again!! Me love watching movies and going out and eating. And now got lot of nice movies I wanna catch... like Hitch, Robots, Son of the Mask, Miss Congeniality, The Pacifier.. wow...if you're watching remember to call me!

When reading the church bulletin today I found out that the Penitential Service for our church is on 18th March fri. Thats the day supposed to be leading praise with Nandee! Haha... so cancelled praise for that week.. and now we're on for 1st April.. the week after Good Friday. More time to practise guitar (coz I havent got a chance to anyway) and spritual preparation (the service) before that too. Perfect how it all works out! :D

Okie thats about it for now. now I better go sleep. Have a great week!

Power of Prayer!!!

Phew!!!

From my last post you can tell I was pretty depressed!! Hit by spirit of depression. Twice withn 30 days... 2 weeks ago or so also I kena.

I'm so glad to say that after praying about it, (I said the Rosary) I feel calmer and at peace! Thank God and praise him!!! :D :D :D

I realise that God can only help me if I let him... remember that free will thingy.... so finally I stopped moaning and groaning and did something about it!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Would you notice if I was gone?

Hi!

I haven't posted in a loong, loong time. Naturally lots of things happened, but I shan't get into all the nitty gritty.

Firstly there's a reason why I'm writing something today. Coz I think I suck! Yeah sometimes I think I really suck. It's because I know I suck thats why I'm so quiet sometimes. Coz I'm so afraid that if I open my bloody mouth people are gonna hate me. Like for example at work when there are nasty customers I always keep quiet coz I know I will tend to argue back and then get into trouble.

I'm not a perfect person, thats it. I'm not so chin chai like others. I have a problem with people telling me what to do, especially if I think I'm capable enough or if they've got no business telling me what to do. And I also have a short fuse that burns out quickly... not that I explode and start yelling... but I get very quiet and my black face gets even blacker, and I can be subtly sarcastic and then after that when I cool down within the next few seconds or minutes I totally regret it and feel damn terrible, why, perhaps coz I know its not a nice quality to have. Usually I try to keep it inside but the next thing that happens usually draws it out from me, not good.

Being tired, sleepy, stressed also affects my mood and I hate it coz I can't seem to control it sometimes it shows. Damn

I saw Msgr Eugene Vaz in church just now. I said hi to him. We made small talk, he asked me why I was in church, said he saw me on Thurs for the Gospel of Matthew and how was it, and asked for my name. He was so friendly and welcoming. The kind of people that puts you at ease instantly. I always wonder, would people be so nice if they really knew you? Is that why marriages don't work? I guess the only being that loves and loves uncompletely and unconditionally is GOD. I somehow can't help but feel he is the only person that loves me that way. Accepts me for totally who I am coz he knows me inside out anyway. Although sometimes I wonder what people see in me. Perhaps they don't know the real me. I don't even know what my good qualities are, I only know the bad. If I was missing tomorow no one would even notice. Let me ask you, yes you who are reading this, can you tell me what would you miss if I was gone? Yeah seriously. Please post on my tag board as annonymous if you want. We'll see the number of replies and what kind, haha.

Okie as you can see I'm being damn negative coz of something that happened and to top it off, tomorow I have an internal audit where they are gonna see how I work and whether up to ISO standards, which is definitely not, coz I have so many cases pending, and also I have this and that and blah blah blah blah.

Let me move on to a nicer topic... GOD.

He answered my prayers quite a few times this week, and I must share about it. Or rather, for one of the incidents, he showed that he was listening. On Friday night last week I was just 'grumbling' to a few others that we couldn't get money from the church for the P&W workshop. It wasn't just about it, it looks as though for every activity we have, we have to take it from our funds which isn't much and isn't multiplying either. Also, many members are pretty young. So it seemed like we wouldn't have support. Also seemed like everything we do, every activity etc is questioned and isn't really necessary. Anyway, yeah, was grousing away about it. And also, decided to just leave it and use the money from the fund. According to someone, we should just leave it up to God and he will make his will be done. So, yeah.

On the day itself, while I was sitting in the room I was suddenly told that he wanted to see me. I thought was in the world could it be. He told me - he talked to the higher up, and our lunch could be subsidised, $3 per person somemore... (not $2!) of course he added other stuff... but the point was, GOD HEARD US.... amazing right... he's giving reassurance... that, truly, just do what we can, leave it to him, and he will make it alright. Everything will turn out for the best. Amazing!!!!! I felt great joy after that.

Also, on Monday, I was informed that a letter was received... about me saying I would investigate a case, but till now have not gotten back to customer. (Case was in January)... The wierd thing was... in the case I mentioned that I sent an email to customer on so and so date... however the email was not attached to the case. And it could not be found in the sent items folder in the general feedback email that we use. Great! I knew I had gotten back to the customer but there was no proof. Was reassured that this was nothing to be grouchy about, that customer was plainly out to get the staff. But even then this letter was sent to CEO and it was saying that I had not gotten back with the result! GREAT! I could not let the matter rest. I knew I had gotten back to customer. I started praying like crazy. Really... all I kept saying in my head was 'please Jesus help Jesus'. I started searching some files.. coz I might have used the email printed out as rough paper. I usually print out all emails after sending them. I could not find the email in the rough paper file that I had... so started searching in the files that we filed up our cases in the cupboard. The very first file I took... after flipping halfway... turning to the back of each paper to see if the email was printed on it, I found it. THANK GOD really! And the email said:

We have talked to the branch manager and conducted an investigation. We sincerely apologise for any incovenience caused blah blah Have a nice day!

SEE, I knew I replied and I knew I did not say that I would get back to him, it was probably misunderstood, and this was the proof... email was also printed out on the same day I sent it. There you go, GOD saved me.

Amazing.

Now if only like now when I'm feeling all down and blue I can have the same amount of faith as when I'm happy and joyful and grateful and when I have all the good things come my way. I always seem to fall and fall hard and doubt God. I can't stand this about myself.

Anyway, back to the question,

If I was gone tomorow, what would you miss about me?

Or not at all?

The Catholic me

Very much interested in the religion itself – why we have certain beliefs and practises
Interested in issues faced – such as abortion, stem cells, euthanasia, annulment
Interested in stories – of saints, or miracles happen, the holy Eucharist
I also like reading up on stuff like the occult, new age, etc.. as in, what is it that draws us, spiritual warfare, how we are constantly fighting against it, exorcisms Interested in youths & leadership.. which is where I am right now.

I’m pretty particular about certain things and I can’t seem to accept certain things either. E.g. I will never ever miss Sunday mass. I can’t help but feel that I will be committing a terrible sin if I do. (even though there were times when I was so pissed with things I really wanted to skip mass but couldn’t bring myself to do it). I cannot for the life of me understand how people can just skip mass, saying that they are busy with other stuff and God understands.
I cannot understand how Catholics can divorce and remarry, (probably that’s what makes me so interested to know about annulments) neither can I understand how they can convert to another religion, or become Christians.
I’ve learnt that the people whom you thought knew everything actually don’t. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.I’ve learnt that authority may not always be right, but because they are authority, its best to try to see their point of view, shut up and just listen.