My Spiritual Journey

How one person overcame her falls, with the love of the One Above All

Friday, May 11, 2007

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

I’ve learnt another lesson yesterday.
Never eat a heavy meal before praise.
Never have to rush for praise.
Try not to let things affect you in praising God.

Sigh. Yesterday was a bad day, even though it was not Friday the 13th.
So soon after my birthday somemore.
Well I did ask God to give some of my birthday happiness to all the sad people out there.

Anyway its really so draining to have customers who complain to you. Yes, they are not yelling at you, but the negative energy really takes a toll on you. Sigh. And more miscommunication at work. As I mentioned before, I’ll mention again. I cannot stand miscommunication.
Besides the burdens I had from work, I was so pissed when the taxi driver whose taxi we took to church went a long way. And on top of that, the fare came to $5.50, I gave him $6 and he had the cheek to ask to keep the change. When I said no, we’re students, he insisted. Insisted some more!

I’ve never been spoilt. Loved, yes, never spoilt. My mom tells me that people told her that she spoils me. Actual fact she doesn’t. I was just so naughty. But I never got things I wanted. I was the type of child that had to be caned. Lol. That was how naughty I was. My mom would scold me if I was naughty even though I was her daughter and she was a teacher in the same school as me. She told me that my schoolmates were all waiting to see if she would scold me and she did.

Even my pocket money was not much. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always been particular about money. I do not like lending nor borrowing money from people, and when people say they will pay back I usually hold them to their promise and when they don’t, I don’t get a good impression of them. Even when I’ve started working, I finally have the money to buy all the things I want, I’m still VERY particular when it comes to money. Perhaps that’s why I got so pissed with the taxi driver. Relaxing my thinking a bit, but its tough coz sometimes people who have money take yours for granted.

Sigh. Anyway, I went home and had my own praise to God. It’s really tough to hold on to Him with all you’ve got no matter how rough the going gets. But that’s what I’m trying to do.


TAURUS WOMAN A slim moderately tall woman. Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person. Square facial bone structure, high cheek bone. Her round big eyes sparkle with wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, and mainly she will have a strong jaw line. She is a constantly change person. If she upset, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. If she gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally and completely stranger to her. She is a patient person, but always need new excitement. She hates long talk meeting, long and endless conversation. She can be in love with you today, and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. She has patient with what she wants to do and will never give up until she gets there. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasons for stopping her project, then she will quit. Money for Taurus woman is not the most important factor in life. She thinks of money as an instrument for assuring of a good living. She has more satisfaction in achieving her goals more than satisfaction in fine cloths and luxuries. If you like a woman who always thinks of love and romance ,then you are dating the wrong girl. You can not tell her to stay at home, she likes to work and preferred not work at home. She loves animals and likes to surround by animals. Love is in her head, but Freedom is in her soul. She has her own idea about love and afraid to show her true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk about love, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showing when she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than any other women. She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. You will have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom. Do not force her to be with you in a poker game which she hates, but let she goes out swinging with her friends if she wants to. She will be different than other girls, and she thinks different is one of her unique quality. She is a public figure but belongs to no one. She will not stay with you, if she thinks you are not sincere. She likes you to have personality, but better not to compete with her. Loves her, but not too much for she afraid it will limiting her freedom. She always stand out of the crowd for something she dares to do. You could see her dress like a poor farmer dinning in the fancy restaurant, or dress like a nun in an a cocktail dress party. If you are a politician who are looking for a wife, she will make a good one because she is cleverly smart and she could get along socially with any type of crowds. She is not a jealous type because she has to know you thoroughly before accepting you in her life. She has more curiosity in life than wondering if right now you are flirting with someone else. If you keep a distant from her, or go away for a few days, she will miss you more. Even when she is dating you, she also able to fond of someone else, if you do not have something she is looking for. She will never disappoint you or hide behind your back to make you loose face, but she is the type who just going to tell you to your face that " We're better off breaking up". She always remember her first love. Taurus woman holds the best record for divorce for she does not care about how people think of her, but every things should be done for "Happiness". She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see she delays any of her thoughts before her action. If she think of something, she will go ahead and does it. She has many men wanting her for her constant changes is the challenge. She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool and tough. She has her own style of dressing up, so you could see her dress like an old mate today, and tomorrow she may dress like she comes from Mars. She will have that interesting hair, dress and a look unique from anyone else. She likes to learn about your dreams and your thought. She has fun teasing you and making jokes. If she did something wrong, she won't hide it from you, but do not ask when she is not in the mood to talk about it. She hates to owe people money and take promise seriously. If you promise to pay her back, you'd better paid up. If you want to make it with Taurus woman, then do not be jealous or possessive, do not be narrow minded, do not criticize about nonsense or small and insignificant matters. Try to likes her friends and let she has her privacy, then she can be very sweet to you.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Heaven ~ A Tribute ~ 8th May 2007

I was in heaven yesterday. And I was in heaven because I was with Jesus and Jesus was shining forth in all of you.

Yesterday was the happiest day of my life; I’ve never experienced such joy as I did yesterday. It’s the kind that you feel your heart is swelling so much it’s gonna burst. You feel giddy and light headed. You can’t stop smiling from ear to ear; beaming in fact. You just feel like jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. (if only I could). That would be how I would describe the happiness I felt.

It was not just yesterday, although yesterday was the happiest. All the events leading up to yesterday was just wonderful.

Spending time with you guys, such as the film festival, musicals, McDonalds, Changi Airport, manicures, praise & worship, etc, being blessed with new a new manager and new colleagues who are so supportive, funny and REAL was just what I’ve been hoping for, for a very, very long time.

Thank you Elaine and Alvin. (my dearest colleagues) You really made my day with the sweet purple card, with the painstakingly handmade clay flowers and decorations. And the gift, which I saw yesterday only. Of the purple handphone pouch with the purple doggie keychain and the purple coloured Body Shop White Musk gift set. I’ve never been surprised and touched like this before. Especially since I knew you guys for like, barely 2 months, and barely 3 days, you’ve did it for me. You’ve noticed I love purple, I wanted a handphone pouch just like you all, I love handmade stuff, and you guys did it for me. Most of all, you bring laughter, fun and support to me in the workplace, and I can finally be myself for once at work and that’s more than I can ask for.

Thank you Karen for suggesting Café Del Mar to celebrate my birthday. You know what I like gurl! You made my day by suggesting that. Thanks for driving me there and back! And for treating me to the manicure, drinks and pic. I felt so pampered! I can’t wait till our trip to Udon Thani/Vientianne. And looking forward to more shopping, gurly stuff, backpacking/travelling in the future!

Thank you Sharon for coming. I love your company! Thank you for suggesting Truth or Dare. THANK YOU for the Swensons ice cream cake!!! I was dying to have that and I got it fulfilled! Thank you for your birthday card. I love cards! Thank you Wendy for coming. Wouldn’t be the same without you. Thank you for the flowers! I love flowers! I felt so girly and happy coz of that. Thank you! Thank you Nat for the ticket to Midsummers Night Dream. It meant a lot to me. Sometimes I don’t show my emotions really well. But I was so happy. It means I can join you gals and have fun! It means that you gals want me to join you. And that itself means a lot to me.

Thank you Francis for coming, especially when you don’t really club or go to these kind of places. It meant a lot that you came. Thank you for your words of encouragement in my diary. You wanna hear the song again? It’d be my pleasure! Lol.. and I will definitely make use of the talents He’s blessed me with to bring glory to Him. And sorry that because you came, you had to spend a lot! I know everyone spent a lot that night, because of me, and thank you so much just for doing so. And bearing with me and my insistence on photo taking. And my highness. Please accept my sincere apologies if I’ve offended anyone.

And for all the pressies. The company meant so much to me, and you guys came, had to spend money on the expensive drinks and entrance to Sentosa, and yet bought me gifts. I was very surprised, touched and happy.

Thank you Jock and Kemmy for coming. Especially immediately after your work, I know how tiring it can be. Thank you for your lovely company! Thank you for the vouchers. Wow. *sigh of happiness* And yes, I had a lovely 18th birthday and will look forward to many more 18ths to come LOL

Thank you Dennis for coming. You may very well have said no, coz your movie finished so late, and yet you came. You made my night by coming, coz I thought you wouldn’t and didn’t want to. Thank you for the Phantom mug. Thank you for buying me the 2 drinks. Thank you for sharing with the vouchers. Gosh, you’ve spent so much. Thank you for writing Happy Birthday in backwards. Thank you for your encouragement to me for my guitar playing. I really needed it. Thank you for being there.

Thank you mummy for staying up and waiting for me until I came back, just to wish me Happy Birthday with a birthday kiss and giving me my birthday present! Thank you for the lovely angel handphone keychain. Thank you for giving me back the bracelet and I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and bearing with me all these years. Ivan, its so true about what you said, about us having the love of our family that’s why we turn out alright. Mummy, if not for your love and support and PRAYERS for me, and being there for me during the worst points in my life, I would have probably become a delinquent and landed up in Hell, literally and metaphorically right now instead of seeing through my 25th. I LOVE YOU MUMMY

Thank you Sebastian for being in cahoots with Karen to surprise me at my house yesterday. Haha. Though it didn’t come through, thanks for your company on my birthday. If I didn’t meet you, it would just feel weird. Thank you for the cute little tea cup! I LOVE IT! This year is such a girly girl girl birthday for me. And you guys know me so well. I love girly stuff! How many more years do I have to be a girly girl anyway! LOL

And Seb, for agreeing to take pictures with me. In the end it was so much fun right!!!! Lol. I love picture taking. Thank you all my friends and mummy for entertaining me and making funny faces and impromptu spontaneous pics. Let’s take more pics in future! Lol. Cheers!

Thank you Ivan, Shawn and Diana. The happiest times of my life are spent with you guys. Coz I can truly be myself. Not childish, but just being young at heart and carefree. Ivan, I love it that we can just meet up for supper just like that. I love the spontaneous and the fact that we can just agree on stuff suggested and just do it on the spot, like the Changi Airport thingy. I love the fun and the sharing. Shawn, I love that we can go for all the church stuff together. Like Amplify for example. Diana, I simply love you!!! Thank you for your BEAUTIFUL flower/rose chocolate!!! I can’t bear to eat it!!! And for all your love!!! You exude love!!!

Guys, thank you so much. I knew we were meeting up but didn’t know where we were going. Shawn, thank you for joining me for mass. It’s here that I must testify. Before mass at the adoration room and during mass I was just telling Jesus that I wanted to spend most of the day with him in the adoration room but did not, and felt that the time I spend with Him was too rushed and felt really bad. Amazing thing was, after mass, Shawn suggested going to the adoration room while waiting for Ivan to come. Imagine my surprise and joy. And later I found out, that Shawn suggested going to adoration room so that Ivan could prepare the cake! WOWWEE God works in wonderful ways man!!!!

Thank you so much for the cake!!! It wouldn’t be the same without blowing candles on my birthday!!! Thank you so much for whetting my curiosity about where we were going for dinner, I was having so much fun although by then I was seriously dying of curiosity!!! Hahaha.. you guys were like making me go up and down the escalator and stairs, we queued at some sushi place, we went to the Brazilian restaurant, you blindfolded me with tissue paper, and almost led me to take a bath in the pond… LOL… until finally bringing me to Marche, and once again, I felt so pampered and treated like a princess… coz you ordered my food for me (and it was delicious!!! CHEESEE and ham!!! Yayyy) and for getting me the balloon and getting the bill too. It must be hard on your pockets coz you guys are just students. Haha, it was like I was on a date with two of my bestest friends. Thank you!!! And flying the plane at E-Zone later was so fun too!!!

I’ve never had a birthday like this before, where I experience so much LOVE, and JOY and HAPPINESS and SURPRISES. I love you all, seriously, with all my heart.

Especially since my 25th birthday is significant one for me, because I feel that I’ve come so far. It’s like a milestone. I’m sure you guys will agree that I’m really a different person than I was before.
From 3 years ago, when I celebrated my 22nd birthday. I almost screwed up my life a couple of months before it. I could have dropped out of school and stuff. It was God’s hand and love that saved me. Which I will testify in my book. Anyway, I’ve always had an interest in STYG since young, but I’ve always been off and on since I joined when I was 15. Reason being, I’ve never felt like I belonged. Even when I joined the core when I was 22, it was because I felt I had to and wanted to serve. It was really difficult for me, when I see everyone having close friends to talk to or share with. I’ve always felt like an outsider.

Even my guitar playing. I’m sure some of you remember that I was so afraid of playing loudly and always kept to myself. I remember when we gathered to pray for the confirmation camp 2005 outside the auditorium at the annex, and we were asked to bring up our desires to God. Mine was to be able to play praise and worship on the guitar. There were so many songs I really wanted to be able to play back then. Like Days of Elijah, Agnus Dei. And now I can!!! I really can’t thank and praise the Lord enough.

And I’ve always had the fear of leading praise. I remember I sorta got over it the night Ivan, Shawn and I had praise in the adoration room by ourselves (since Children’s Camp 2005 was on), and it was then that I finally played praise with my guitar on my own, it was then that God blessed me with the friendship of Ivan and Shawn, two people from STYG from then on that I can finally say that I’m close with, two people that I can really share with, that I feel like I belong with. It was also that night that I wrote a love song for God, “God you are so amazing” :)

I’m also more rounder than I was three years ago. HA HA HA. But I’ve learnt to love my curves. I’ve learn to love my teeth. So no need to call me beaver. Ha ha. I’ve learnt to love my features and my skin colour. I finally believe that I’m pretty. I know I keep on bugging you with that question all the time Mummy. I will stop now! Ha ha. I’ve learnt to eat veggies and fruits to build my immunity to be a healthy person so that I can truly love Him with good health. Why would I wanna fall sick, it sucks being sick, He wouldn’t want us to suffer anyway. But I’ve yet to exercise. Ha ha.

Everything and everyone, including you guys, that have come my way, is an experience, something that I will treasure, learn from, grow from, become a better person. And it’s all because of Jesus. Even the bad stuff, I pick myself up and I learn from it. I still have a bad temper. I still am pretty insensitive at times. I still make unfunny jokes. And I hope that you will pardon me here. It is for this very fact that I was afraid of opening up myself as I don’t want to make mistakes or say things that are regrettable. Which I’ve done before. So please forgive me if I’ve done so, and please do let me know if I don’t seem to realise it. I truly believe that miscommunication is the root of all evil. Or, one of the roots.

Anyway, I’m 25!!! I don’t know what the future holds for me, and what His plans for me are. But
I do know that I will testify of His love, and the time is now.
I do know that I will always love the youth, and especially STYG.
I do know that I cannot stand to see the poor and suffering.
I do know that I will have to go around the world, and be spontaneous in the stuff that I do.

So as I set forth on this new beginning, new era, new journey, I thank you for touching my life.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Temptations - Is God's love enough

And so that day (last Tues I think) I dreamt I was possessed by the Devil.
It was not that I was disturbed.
It was really a dream.
It was like, I was calling Jesus for help but so afraid, coz the Devil could read my thoughts.
Like there was no hope.
I received a variety of reactions.
Some were shocked, some laughed.
My mom gave the most accurate insight.
A message from God/my angel.
Informing me that I will be disturbed in the future.

True enough.

I won the battle the other day. (last Saturday)
A family battle.
One battle won, but many more to come.
A lot of issues in my family to sort out.

Praise and thanked Him during Sunday Mass.
And yet, immediately after mass I fell into sin again.
Could have just boxed myself.

And the very next day (Monday) I was in such a bad mood.
Hated the world, hated everyone.
Felt so unloved.
Felt that no one cared.
Felt so stressed and pressurised.
Felt like running away.

And true enough, when I contacted my friends, no one could meet.
I asked myself why do I have friends when I can’t open up to them.
When I feel like they are not there for me.

Anyway I was at Novena Church.
No where else to go, except back to God.
For the first half hour I struggled.
And when I realised that no human being would be there for me,
I tried again to turn to God.
All my frustrations.
All my doubts.
Felt so unloved by the world.

And then I sanked into sub-consciousness.
It was like I was asleep but I wasn’t.
And I was sorta like in ‘communion’ with Him.
And it was wonderful.
Half an hour of being in His presence.
Being with Him.
I could not say it was pure bliss.
Coz I had my worries and troubles still on my mind.
But He reminded me of His love.

The image came to my mind.
Of when I was at my lowest point.
I was lying on the ground, with the Devil standing beside me.
Jesus was high above, and His light shone brightly all around.
I was in sin.
And yet, the Devil could not touch me.
God said, “This child is mine. She has my mark. You cannot harm her”.
And I was reminded back of that time 3 years ago.
When I was in Sin.
When all seemed lost.
But God had His hand over me.
I had my own free will, and He could not make me do anything against it.
And it was there the Devil laughed.
He thought he had me in his clutches.
But God reigned supreme.
I was still His child.
A child of light.
And He protected me.
And His love saved me.

And I had another vision.
Of how no other human being believed in me.
But God did.
The words came to my mind again.
“Marie, He chose you. I asked Him again, and He said it’s you”
And that was leadership of the youth group.
Only God believed in me.
God gave me that responsibility.

And I asked myself.
He had shown me time and again He loves me.
He even died on the cross for me.
And if that was not enough, He had shown me His love for me specifically.
Am I going to throw it all away and fall into sin again.
Do I need to love of human beings when I had the love of God and that was something even more amazing and more beautiful and more than any human being could ever provide me with.
And the vision of my tar stained heart came to mind again.
And God’s love overflowed.
God’s blood washed over it completely.
But it was not clean.
It was up to me.
God wants to wash my heart clean, but He can’t if I won’t let Him.
But I left Novena Church that day with conviction.
With God by my side.

But the struggles carried on throughout the day and night.
Suddenly I had this strong urge to contact my ex.
I was thinking, its been three years.
Let bygones be bygones.
Could be friends.
And He has been trying to these past years.
So I know if I will just to make a move, that would be it.
It had to take every ounce in me not to do anything.
Think of the consequences I told myself.

This was what the dream signified.
Temptations.
Temptations to go back to an old life.
Temptations and thoughts running through my head.
Telling me that this was not worth it.
To struggle through life.
To not feel love.
To get no encouragement.
To take the easy way out.
It’s an internal struggle.
It’s an internal battle.
Is God’s love enough for me?