Walking on...

Got my letter from HR on Monday. When I received it I was so disappointed. The increment was $230. Why I was disappointed? Because as a Team Leader, a supervisor, I could earn $300 to $400 more with O.T. And now, as an Executive, there is no O.T. And my previous pay did not even hit 2k. So you can guess how much I am earning now. I was so disappointed that I started crying. So extreme huh, that I must cry. But I guess because I really worked so hard, only to get this. I am still working hard, harder, even, until I have no life on weekdays and I'm burnt out on weekends, only for this.

I shared with my Manager yesterday, and she said she would bring it up to our HOD, but if the pay was fixed by HR, there was nothing I could do. Then she tried to say that Executives have other better benefits, and mentioned going for more expensive courses, but in my mind I was thinking, that doesn't help, I don't even have time to go for such courses. Not like my Assistant Manager, who got the post as AM post when she applied for Executive because my manager told me a year ago that they would be keeping the Exec post for me when I graduate. Sigh. Our AM is so free. All she does is go for courses courses and more courses. Assign, assign and assign more cases. And not only that, she gives us her work to do. Our manager does not even do that. And yesterday my manager told me to feel free to call her if I needed to talk or anything, even outside of office hours and mentioned that the AM does that. According to my colleague she is sucking up to the manager. During the week that my manager was not around, as she was on course, it seems that the AM called my manager and said she feels so bad, she does not know how to motivate our team, when our team has a surge of feedback, etc etc. I was thinking, its so easy!! What we need is support, which you're not giving us. You just keep on giving us more work to do, your own work even and you do not even help us with our own work. Sigh. Even though I am on one level higher now, the same level as the managers and executives, my M and AM are together, I'm not. I'm still with the rest of the team. So divided. Haiz.

Anyway, good news for myself, I saw that some acting courses which I missed early this year are back again for Sept/Oct, and I really hope to join and pursue my passions. Yesterday I did a presentation for work for the first time, and for the first time in years since my poly days. Yes I was nervous, I think I spoke too fast and my voice trembled a bit but my manager said I was fine, only thing is that I did not mentioned more cases like the AM did the previous week. Ok, so my presentation was oK! Yayy, one hurdle down. Perhaps I should join Toastmasters. Really need to brush up on this.

I think those who know me know that I'm such a talkative person, however I think I have not learnt to let go and thats why I tend to be too quiet in bigger groups or with pple I don't know too well. I worry that if I just blurt out what I feel or think I might end up saying the wrong things. But I really hope I can get over this. How can a shy quiet person be dramatic right.

Anyway, I got good things to look forward to. The results of the song writing competition is still not out yet, so please pray for me.. I'm really crossing fingers and praying fervantly for a chance at this.. but anyways I would be attending the Social Mission Alive event on the 22nd August. A chance to check out more about mission work. My plan is to try out my passions and achieve my dreams while I can before I turn 30, as it is I'm already so old now. Then pay off all my debts, make my mummy proud such that she can say "thats my daughter there!", save some more money and then go off to foreign lands to do mission work for as long as I can. Yeah thats my plan. Don't know if it will work. Don't really see the pathway. Praying real hard that God will help me. And am just going to take the plunge and do it.

Then there's National Day coming up! For the first time I will be attending a National Day event, which will be at the Padang.

Then comes my trip to Italy and France. I am so looking forward to getting to see the Eucharistic Miracle. That is really amazing. And playing guitar for mass. Thanks Jock for helping me. By God's grace, I somehow managed to get the music chords from a song book that I borrowed from Shawn. And Jock sparing me his time to show me how to play certain songs. The initial teacher who I was hoping would be able to teach me did not really teach me the first time, he just played once for me to hear, did not turn up on the 2nd appointment, and I was left alone since then. Although I am grateful for him allowing me to photocopy the music sheets. So now its less than a month away, I'm just goina practise both playing and singing, (actually I can't sing ahhh) and leave it up to God. This is my heart's desire.. to play for Mass during the pilgramage.

And then we will visit Lourdes. I wonder how it will be like. I'm going to ask for a miracle for my face. Yeah, my doctor laughed at me. He said I won't get it. I think he is under the impression that Lourdes miracles are for those who are really sick not for minor, perhaps petty matters like my face. But I think there's a chance. Yeah, his antibiotics helped clear the huge pimples, but the pimples left behind scars on my face which occasionally leave me very depressed. Until now I am still emotionally affected at how, a beautician whom i trusted could allow such a thing to happen to me and I wait for the day when my face will be cleared again. There is hope. Yeah.

So moving forward.. I must always try to remember that wonderful verse which he gave to me 2 years ago - "Have I not commanded thee.. be not afraid and have courage.. for the Lord is with thee wheresoever thou goest" and I will be alright.

Adious! Till next time!!!