Would you notice if I was gone?

Hi!

I haven't posted in a loong, loong time. Naturally lots of things happened, but I shan't get into all the nitty gritty.

Firstly there's a reason why I'm writing something today. Coz I think I suck! Yeah sometimes I think I really suck. It's because I know I suck thats why I'm so quiet sometimes. Coz I'm so afraid that if I open my bloody mouth people are gonna hate me. Like for example at work when there are nasty customers I always keep quiet coz I know I will tend to argue back and then get into trouble.

I'm not a perfect person, thats it. I'm not so chin chai like others. I have a problem with people telling me what to do, especially if I think I'm capable enough or if they've got no business telling me what to do. And I also have a short fuse that burns out quickly... not that I explode and start yelling... but I get very quiet and my black face gets even blacker, and I can be subtly sarcastic and then after that when I cool down within the next few seconds or minutes I totally regret it and feel damn terrible, why, perhaps coz I know its not a nice quality to have. Usually I try to keep it inside but the next thing that happens usually draws it out from me, not good.

Being tired, sleepy, stressed also affects my mood and I hate it coz I can't seem to control it sometimes it shows. Damn

I saw Msgr Eugene Vaz in church just now. I said hi to him. We made small talk, he asked me why I was in church, said he saw me on Thurs for the Gospel of Matthew and how was it, and asked for my name. He was so friendly and welcoming. The kind of people that puts you at ease instantly. I always wonder, would people be so nice if they really knew you? Is that why marriages don't work? I guess the only being that loves and loves uncompletely and unconditionally is GOD. I somehow can't help but feel he is the only person that loves me that way. Accepts me for totally who I am coz he knows me inside out anyway. Although sometimes I wonder what people see in me. Perhaps they don't know the real me. I don't even know what my good qualities are, I only know the bad. If I was missing tomorow no one would even notice. Let me ask you, yes you who are reading this, can you tell me what would you miss if I was gone? Yeah seriously. Please post on my tag board as annonymous if you want. We'll see the number of replies and what kind, haha.

Okie as you can see I'm being damn negative coz of something that happened and to top it off, tomorow I have an internal audit where they are gonna see how I work and whether up to ISO standards, which is definitely not, coz I have so many cases pending, and also I have this and that and blah blah blah blah.

Let me move on to a nicer topic... GOD.

He answered my prayers quite a few times this week, and I must share about it. Or rather, for one of the incidents, he showed that he was listening. On Friday night last week I was just 'grumbling' to a few others that we couldn't get money from the church for the P&W workshop. It wasn't just about it, it looks as though for every activity we have, we have to take it from our funds which isn't much and isn't multiplying either. Also, many members are pretty young. So it seemed like we wouldn't have support. Also seemed like everything we do, every activity etc is questioned and isn't really necessary. Anyway, yeah, was grousing away about it. And also, decided to just leave it and use the money from the fund. According to someone, we should just leave it up to God and he will make his will be done. So, yeah.

On the day itself, while I was sitting in the room I was suddenly told that he wanted to see me. I thought was in the world could it be. He told me - he talked to the higher up, and our lunch could be subsidised, $3 per person somemore... (not $2!) of course he added other stuff... but the point was, GOD HEARD US.... amazing right... he's giving reassurance... that, truly, just do what we can, leave it to him, and he will make it alright. Everything will turn out for the best. Amazing!!!!! I felt great joy after that.

Also, on Monday, I was informed that a letter was received... about me saying I would investigate a case, but till now have not gotten back to customer. (Case was in January)... The wierd thing was... in the case I mentioned that I sent an email to customer on so and so date... however the email was not attached to the case. And it could not be found in the sent items folder in the general feedback email that we use. Great! I knew I had gotten back to the customer but there was no proof. Was reassured that this was nothing to be grouchy about, that customer was plainly out to get the staff. But even then this letter was sent to CEO and it was saying that I had not gotten back with the result! GREAT! I could not let the matter rest. I knew I had gotten back to customer. I started praying like crazy. Really... all I kept saying in my head was 'please Jesus help Jesus'. I started searching some files.. coz I might have used the email printed out as rough paper. I usually print out all emails after sending them. I could not find the email in the rough paper file that I had... so started searching in the files that we filed up our cases in the cupboard. The very first file I took... after flipping halfway... turning to the back of each paper to see if the email was printed on it, I found it. THANK GOD really! And the email said:

We have talked to the branch manager and conducted an investigation. We sincerely apologise for any incovenience caused blah blah Have a nice day!

SEE, I knew I replied and I knew I did not say that I would get back to him, it was probably misunderstood, and this was the proof... email was also printed out on the same day I sent it. There you go, GOD saved me.

Amazing.

Now if only like now when I'm feeling all down and blue I can have the same amount of faith as when I'm happy and joyful and grateful and when I have all the good things come my way. I always seem to fall and fall hard and doubt God. I can't stand this about myself.

Anyway, back to the question,

If I was gone tomorow, what would you miss about me?

Or not at all?