God loves me!!!

November 26, 2005 11.10am

Yesterday was yesterday. I fell sick :(

I was actually sneezing for the past few days already and Thurs night I drank some cold drinks and I think it aggravated my flu :( coz when I woke up my nose was flowing and this turned into a terrible sore throat and block nose, its pretty painful how a simple flu could be. I found this very distracting as the last thing I wanna do is fall sick. Furthermore, being sick and in pain tends to make one, or me rather, irritatable and thus I lost the gift of joy and happiness that the Holy Spirit had been granting me recently. I was pretty irked about it. Anyway, after drinking some hot chrysanthemum I felt better.

Then I went to church, and there was no one in the adoration room so I went in… and immediately… I was blasted with the overwhelming presence of God and all his goodness and joy and happiness!!! WOW. It was just so amazing. I was seriously “blasted”, that was the word. Tears of joy just came to me…, I was laughing and giggling and on cloud 9. Haha, this proves that God is truly present in the Eucharist. Anyway, I was just so amazed coz I was feeling sick and in pain and all that and one moment in His presence took it all away and the feeling of joy was tremendous, I could go on and on… :)

And then afterwards someone said something to me that really struck my heart. I couldn’t answer his question because I wasn’t aware of what I was doing; simply because I had let go and was praising and worshipping God. Was I wrong to do that. It really affected me because the last thing I wanted to do was to affect someone’s moment with God just because of something I did which wasn’t intentional. I’m sorry if I couldn’t hold my emotions as I’m only human. But I went back home and I started to cry. That was all I could do anyway. No one to talk to as usual, except God and all I could do was cry to Him and tell Him that I was playing for Him. I was simply playing for Him and it just hurt so bad. Is it wrong to play for Him :(

I was thinking that in moments like this when I so much want to hear His voice talking to me but I don’t think I would, not in that state of despair and sadness that I was in.
And then the next instant in the midst of all my tears and sobbing I received an sms from my friend, saying the opposite of what the earlier person said earlier and believing in me. God had sent an angel to comfort me!

Just when I was telling Him I could not hear His voice not when I was in that state I was! I picked up my guitar and just started praising Him and looking at His Sacred Heart picture and adoring Him in my heart. And my sadness was turned to joy!!!

I was just so amazed. I couldn’t believe at how fast He had comforted me, how He had immediately talked to me this time round after I told Him that I wouldn’t be able to hear His voice, and how much He loves me to change my sadness into pure joy again; and in an instant; only God is capable of such. I’m just so amazed at the depth of His love. My puny mind couldn’t comprehend how He could love a sinner such as me. Yeah, and this is what I have to testify… of how God comforted me… and He will to you to…. Just cling steadfast to Him… never ever let Him go… this reaffirmed my faith in Him… coz of the amazingly speed in which He lifted me out of my sorrows… and once again, I am reassured… that all I ever need is Him, all I ever want is Him, all I’ll ever love is Him, and that He is the only one who truly loves me and I never ever want to let Him down. Praise GOD AMEN HALLEUJAH!!!!

And the song that came to me… was the song below… and of course, as I was adoring Him, my own song, God you are Amazing, came to me as well.. and I felt fantastic that I had my own special song for my dear God.

I can’t believe the way your love has got a hold on me
Each morning I wake to find you near
You lift me above my fears and set my feet on solid ground
All of my days belong to You…

And I breathe in Your breath of life that fills my heart
You are my all consuming fire

And I stand here before You in wide open wonder
Amazed… at the glory of You
The power of heaven revealing Your purpose in me
As I’m reaching for You…

True Happiness...

Am a bit worried about my friend. Somehow she’s in a relationship she can’t or won’t get out of and it really reminded me of myself back then. The similarities are too much. All I can do is pray for her and advise her when she asks but ultimately the decision is up to her. Still, am so worried, coz of the complications.

I’m wondering why is it that people, or human nature, tends to love pain and suffering. Not the war kind, not the poverty kind. But the love kind if you know what I mean. I’ve been through it before. You know sometimes in a relationships, sometimes people cannot except being happy with the other person that they simply create problems. And then they hope they have a happy ending. But that won’t be the case. Actually as I write this I’m reminded of Bridget Jones 2. If you saw it, remember how she got that great guy, but she just couldn’t accept the fact that he truly loved her that she kept imagining situations… that he was seeing another gal behind her back (when he was actually having business meetings with that gal and that gal was actually lesbian who had a crush on Bridget). Hmm. Interesting fact right. Was thinking I would love to do a bit of psychology on this part here, to understand people better. I was like that too so I sorta know, but I don’t know why. Perhaps low self esteem? Anyway, right now I just couldn’t be happier. And I want to be happy every single day. Why would a person wanna be sad I wonder? Or, make themselves sad just to have a happy ending when you could be happy the whole time? Whenever I think of Him and how He loves me and just dwell in His presence I’m just so happy. And I’m like that the whole day. I’m in love!!!

Keep on growing and living in His Spirit

Okie, yesterday’s prayer was great! Fantastic! Amen! Somehow things are getting just better and better. The only one thing that I’m afraid is of falling to sin and temptation and being complacent, and I’m praying for the strength and faith not to. Haha, truthfully, I was a bit afraid of being called to lead again. Excited, of course. Wanted to lead? Of course! But was thinking, probably won’t be coz should give others a chance, wouldn’t happen 2 weeks in a row right. And also, although I was very much excited, a small slight fear factor was there coz of the different people that I was with. With Ivan and Shawn was easier coz we are closer. Hehe. Was my heart beating and pumping hard and fast? Yes it was. Then again that has been happening a lot recently, lol… I ain’t able to tell yet if its because of God or my own excitement and human nature.

Anyway, after Francis shared his passage… I sorta heard some rumblings. No idea what. Guess could be thunder. Anyway, hearing about the rumblings, this thought came to my mind: “The Heavens will open and the Son of Man will come down in all His Glory!!!” Whoohoo… It’s giving me goose bumps right now thinking of that. I’m not too sure what it means or whether if its meant for me, or for the group… anyway I didn’t say it out… so I hope I did not make a mistake by not doing that haha. Amazing right. Each week its just getting better, just building up. I remember – one week it was “I will be with you until the end of time” The next week, was about “having courage… as I had courage to take up that cross and you are leading the youth” and something like through me will achieve ----- stuff which Aunty Shareen told me but I can’t remember exactly but it’s a fantastic encouragement…. And then yesterday, about the Son of Man coming down. Amazing.

Calm and peaceful

Hi!!!

When I think back to Friday I feel so blessed and so happy. It was really amazing.
Saturday I was blessed coz I managed to see the loves of my life ?my nephew and nieces ?after so long.

Sunday I went for the PPC Day?and I must say, I was very excited ?to finally get to know everyone ?being a PC Councillor?also means slightly more work?haha, but I so excited to be involved on the parish level?and towards the end, when we went one round to say what we can contribute.. I said I would like to be a voice for the youth.. to clarify whatever misconceptions there were and to resolve and work out whatever concerns there might be. Yeah and that all I going to say for now?haha?but being part of the PPC, made me think again, about the future next year. I would still very much like to be involved with the youth, but I don know if I can. Nevermind, I will keep on praying and I know God is in charge and everything will work out for the best. Amen!

God is Amazing!!!

Amazing! Just amazing is the word to describe it. The whole day at work was in anticipation of praise and judging from Tuesday, (where I was called to lead but delayed and lost the anointing sobsob) even though I was prepared, the fear factor was there. I reassured myself that with God, I could do anything.
It was amazing how things turned out really. Today was the night Ian Peterson was supposed to give session. But the children's camp was on. Aunty Denise graciously allowed the youth to go for praise. Then, amazingly, Ian P asked to postpone the session to 1st week of December as he was planning for a trip. Informed Auntie Denise and you could hear the instant relief in her voice "divine intervention" she called it. Guess they really needed help. God is amazing. Looked how it worked out.
Amazingly, it was a small group, me, Ivan and Shawn, although Dennis joined us at the second half. Amazingly, it was 2 of my closest friends in the youth. Amazingly, I managed to play the guitar and we managed to sing despite starting off with different tones, pitches and wrong chords.
Amazingly, Ivan spoke at the moment that was needed.
Amazingly, He touched our hearts. God is amazing! Praise the Lord! For as long as I shall live I will testify of His love.
My desire to play the guitar and lead praise and worship came true.
Amazingly it was with 2 close friends of mine and amazingly, we had the chemistry and the Holy Spirit was moving through us.
Amazingly how I was the only one playing, for the first time I was leading and praying at the same time as if there were other guitarists I probably would be distracted and tend to follow their style.
Amazingly, we finished at 10pm on the dot. Is God amazing or what!!!
I praise God with all my heart and soul and I thank Him for simply loving me.
Oh yeah, and so amazing, I was making my way to the chapel when Fr Arro passed me, so I said hi, and then he suddenly called me, he was like "marie" and I turned back and said "yes Father "and he was like, "should you want to use the prayer room you can if you are comfortable with it" and the words struck me and I was dumfounded and I was shocked and elated and excited all at the same time! I could barely manage "thank you" and then I was so excited that I wanted to message everyone but so excited that instead of sending the msg, I deleted it (new hp) more than oncend had to type it again and again and of course I was afraid that I would lose the "annointing" or excitement that I had but I didn't and after praise, we went to thank Fr Arro and he was like, "so that's good, in the future you can use the room you know, even if there is one person there" Fr Arro likes to say the phrase "you know" PRAISE GOD this is a sign that he is always with us, he loves us, he hears us!!! And it's a sign for the youth that God has great plans for them. (as we wanted to go back to the prayer room for a long time) Praise God!!!
Yeah, no fear anymore man!!! But if you were to ask me to lead praise again,I will need my guitar and my song sheet file haha,coz a bit difficult for me to lead if someone else is playing the guitar unless your hearts are as one and you understand each other very well lah. Mistakes mistakes. I know God doesn't mind. If the people mind then oh well.
Yes, I was simply on fire that I sat down on my bed and composed a song for God that very night -18 November 2005 around 1.45am:

GOD YOU ARE SO AMAZING

God you are so amazing
You bless us with your love
Forever we shall testify
Of your peace that is like a dove

God you are so amazing
And one thing that we know
Is that we will plant and sow the seeds
And our faithfulness will grow

God you are so amazing
So beautiful to me
I thank you for your great love
You mean the whole wide world to me

You mean the world to me
You are so amazing
You are all the goodness that we need
You are so amazing

You are my Lord!!!

I was so inspired. I mean, sometimes you can just sit down and write poems or songs and they turned out nice. But that night, that song expressed totally what I felt about God. He is simply so amazing. He simply means the world to me. He simply is so beautiful.. and He simply loves us so much! Hurray!!! And immediately I knew the tune,and immediately, I picked up my guitar and I could play it! my own special song for my one and only God! So happy =)

Am alright

Anyway, I went for prayer Tuesday night and everything is back to normal already. Haha. As in, no more regret about not dancing with that guy. He not a real person, and anyway, like I said earlier, how could one do such things with strangers. Haha, yayy I have Jesus and that all I need! Which leads me to the problem of letting go ?and fear. I really can stand myself sometimes about this but I know God can help me but he can make me coz of free choice. But sometimes its just so difficult. I am trying but I guess its just not enough.

The reality is that we are human, and the reality is that we are sinners. I try but sometimes my human nature just takes over and I sin. I hate myself for that coz you really want to be worthy and good and holy and then you throw it all away when you sin. But I guess the important thing is to learn from it and try not to make that same mistake again. The reality is that we are capable of doing anything as God is with us.

God with us, so close to us, God with us, EMMANUEL!!! Whooppeee.
Do not lose the anointing.

Topic of late ?Exorcism of Emily Rose. I think the message behind it is really good. Evil does exist but God prevails. Can you imagine that everything is good and holy it just pure ecstasy. It will overcome all.

DBLO

Okie,
So I was at DBLO again last Sat. I was pretty sianz at first getting boring everytime same place. Plus I was tired as the whole day was out. Took a short 40mins nap and thought that I still go. I had 2 encounters that night. Haha. First, I was the earliest to reach, so I went to queue and started msging my friends. This guy behind me suddenly asked me whether it was the DBLO queue. I had a shock so I simply looked up (didn look at him though) and said yes and went back to msging. I think he stoned for a while then went further up front of the queue where his friends were. It was a Chinese guy with plastic framed specs haha.
In the club I was seriously sianz. Didn want to drink much at first but I simply had no mood to dance so decided to drink more. Had a jug of Vodka Lime which was shared. Then had a total of 5 tequila shots. Yeah 5 hahaha.
There was this guy who came up to me and asked me if he could have the dance so I just danced with him for a bit but after that, yes, like what my friend guessed so correctly, I got scared, as we were dancing pretty close and I think he started to nudge my neck and I tried pulling my friends to dance with us. Furthermore I was pretty drunk that I could not reply him except for my name and I can remember how he looked except that he was pretty tall and I think he was Punjabi. Haha, I think after a few minutes I avoided him until he went away. Didn really feel too bad immediately after or yesterday as well as seriously, I didn know how to react and I simply could not imagine how some people can simply dance with strangers or even start kissing them and let them touch them. Of course nothing like that happened with that guy lah, just simply had our arms around each other but I just felt funny? how could I just dance with a guy like that who not even my boyfriend and whom I just met.
But yeah, I was pretty conscious even though I was pretty wasted. (Amazing right).It like my body was saying dance dance do stuff be wild but my mind was still pretty much conscious and was telling me, this is not right; this is not you..
Especially yesterday?I was feeling pretty sianz?I guess you could call it hangover as I slept at 4plus and woke around 9.30am. I was thinking I probably won go clubbing again as it was not what I really want. Unless its just dancing with a group of really close friends. And not to pick up guys or be a passive smoker. I sorta like killing myself you know. So funny, a year ago I was really desperate to club. Now that I actually doing it, it really a different story. How can people be happy just simply dancing and drinking. Just give me my guitar anytime and I can sing praise and worship and be happy I was telling myself.
Today was a different story. I came to work and my friends were like that guy was not bad looking, very tall and looks like the un?type. I was like shit. They were making me regret pushing him away. I think I was quite bad lah. Coz they said he really wanted to dance with me but I pushed him away. Hiyah shucks. I wonder whats happening to me. Firstly I feel that it was alright that I did what I did coz I simply could not just dance with strangers. Then after talking to my friends I felt otherwise - that I missed that chance since he was really cute and was interested in me. Shucks shucks shucks. Either I a really weird person, or I better set my thinking straight and know exactly what I want, and make that choice.

Stages of calling

Up to one year ago, I was basically going through the motions. Sunday mass. Prayed only when I need help. Stuck in a bad relationship that I couldn’t and wouldn’t get out of. Somehow all along He was with me. Throughout the whole time I had neglected Him, He never let me down even though I hurt Him so bad. His hand was always protecting me; I made the devil laugh but His love for me was too great to let me fall into evil clutches. The power of His love will overcome anything. But I refused to heed His call. I always said no; I always chose the world; I always chose the easy way out. However all these were part of my preparation I guess. All these experiences I had opened my eyes and made me stronger; helped me to relate to people.

Then one day I finally woke up. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was so difficult and my heart was crumbling but somehow he gave me the strength to walk away. I couldn’t have done it without Him. That was it. I had chosen Him. It was not easy at first. Two years of my life that revolved around a relationship that could have brought my downfall. Close friends of mine where overseas. I had no one. But He was there. I didn’t know how to talk to Him. But He put people into my life. New friends that I could count on. People to guide me and help me as I started back on my journey to Him, and build up that relationship with Him.

Slowly things got better. He was the only one who had faith in me and believed in me. He knew all along that since young my heart’s desire was to be with the youth. He gave me that chance. Time and time again I’ve let Him down. But he showed me that He is always with me. The crisis stage was over. I had chosen Him. I couldn’t be where I am right now if not for His great love and forgiveness.

The journey is not easy. I’ve been told by someone before that its gonna be painful. That He will show me areas in my life that I had to change… and he will take me and mould me. It sounded scary but I was ready. I knew that with Him I could face anything. There were many ups and downs throughout the journey. I fell again, a lot of times. But there were times that I clung desperately to Him and refused to let Him go.. and the pure joy and knowledge and feeling of His wonderful love and presence was much more that I could ask for or even deserve.

I’ve never said ‘I love you Jesus’, before, until now. I was so afraid of being a hypocrite.

And now, I’m on into the next chapter. The fruit bearing stage. Somehow He has called me to do Social Work – Child Protection. I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life; I’ve never wanted to do anything this much in my entire life. Million times more than a deejay, haha. Yes, it seems scary with all the negative reaction from people and the amount of things that you will have to give up. But somehow my heart is so happy knowing that all I want is to do His will and to follow Him completely and truly. And I know He will prepare the way for me. And I know I will be alright as long as I have Him and stay close to Him. I know you will be too.

Love,Marie
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by Os Hillman, November 10, 2005 "Come, follow Me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." - Matthew 4:19Our calling has three distinct stages, which we can see in the lives of many called before us, to become mature fishers of men who greatly impact God's Kingdom. First, there is the gestation period. This is the development stage of our lives. It may involve years of normal work experiences. You may be a Christian during this time, or you may be following after worldly success as a non-Christian. Paul spent years in religious and political training, persecuting believers most of his early life. Moses spent years in the court of Pharaoh and 40 years tending flocks in the desert. Jesus spent 33 years living at home and working in His father's carpentry business. However, all these years were part of their preparation.Next is the crisis stage. Sooner or later, God calls you into relationship with Him. For many, like Paul, it comes through dramatic encounters like being knocked off a horse, blinded and spoken to personally by God. Some people are more difficult than others to reach and so require this level of crisis. This is a time when God requires major changes so that you follow Him fully. It can be a time in which God harnesses years of experience for a new life purpose. Paul's earthly experiences would be used in his calling to the religious and political leaders of his day. For Moses, the burning bush experience would begin his journey in which he would discover his ultimate calling after years of preparation. For Peter, it was his denial of Jesus three times that allowed him to face his shallow commitment to Christ. For Jesus, it was the cross. These were the benchmark turning points for men who made an impact on their world.Last is the fruit-bearing stage. In it, God's power is manifested in your life like never before. God takes all your experiences and uses them to build His Kingdom in and through your life. Your obedience to this final call results in fruitfulness you could never imagine without the long preparation process. For Abraham, it resulted in becoming the father of many nations. For Paul, it resulted in bringing the gospel to the Gentiles. And for Peter, it meant becoming the rock the Church was built on. For Jesus, it was salvation for the entire world.What does God want to achieve through your life? God has a plan that is so incredible you cannot comprehend it. It requires only that you love Him and follow Him. Then you will become fishers of men like the world has never known.
** ** **

Again...

"I will be with you until the end of time..."

I heard... and amazingly I was affirmed that it was from Him and I was crying tears of pure joy and happiness.

And then, I fell again... flat smack on my heart... and I felt that God was silent and no one understands...

And then it was tears of pain as I cried myself to sleep and clung desperately unto His words