Heart heavy.. with JOY!!

Whoopee doopp.. this is amazing. I have to write this today before I sleep.

Things are not so smooth as I've hope for. There are so many things to be done... yesterday I talked to someone and it reaffirmed what I have to do.. but I don't have time... work work work only nights free and nights also got stuff on... I told myself, nevermind, just do what I can and leave the rest to God, as what I've been told before. Strangely I felt sooo happy when I went to sleep.

Today also the same. I feel wierd!! Strangely light. Things are not as what I wished for, what I hope they would be, things are still unsettled, uncertain. But strangely I feel so happy!! My heart is bursting - with JOy. I'm grinning from ear to ear. I feel like dancing, screaming, shouting for joy, doing cartwheels!!! Same thing I felt yesterday. Is this spiritual consolation finally that I've always hoped for.

Talked to alot of new people today. Not everybody that I've wanted to, not in the way that I've wanted to, to the people I've talked, but strangely I'm verry happy!
Met my best friend today and his parents. They're a bit stressed with work too and it troubles me that I can't do anything for them but I feel strangely happy for the time spent with them!
I've also.. let stuff go in one ear and come out the other... coz I know myself and I'm confident in myself that I'm capable, and that I'm mature enough to handle stuff, and not what people think I am. Thats why in one ear and out. I can't reject them plainly but I can be confident in myself and show them. After all, be afraid only of the one who can throw you into hell.
I still feel a bit wierd with some people but I've begun to realise that seriously I don't care about what they do.. coz I know why I'm here for - to serve him and his people - and I really do want what is best for them, and to let God work through me and do the best I can - and I've come to realise that - THAT is all that matters - I just have to do that and I will truly be happy. WHOOPEE DOOP Praise the Lord! Good night

Compliment for Me!! WHOpee dooP

I came to work today and was faced with a lot of pending cases as well as outstanding work. About 10plus am, I decided to log onto General Feedback, which is the common email we all share and handed by my colleaugue for this month. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I saw the subject: Compliment for Marie Customer Service Representative YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWhat an encouragement. It didnt last long though, because my colleague (whom I had a great time and laughs over lunch catching up with her since she I didn’t see her since last Monday) had a medical appointment at 2, and the other colleague followed suit… And somehow I managed to survive and my compliment was forwarded to the senior manager of my department, public affairs, even though it was a small thing I did, just helped the customer with an exchange for some rice and I was just doing my job. Why dont the customers who we really go out of the way to help never ever write in or compliment us though? Hah. Anyway, please God, please, I pray that manager forwards the compliment to Human Resources. Its more important that they know about it so that in the future I can be considered for promotion/increment. Nah, like real. More so that in case a customer ever complains about me, they will know that I’m actually quite good and to disregard the complain! Kekeke. Anyway, please, I need more compliments too Jesus! Keke… And thank you, for praying for me. I know you have, and I have been praying for you too. The only thing Im looking forward to right now? My birthday. I have it planned already. *huge grin* Good night!

Sad but I'm okay coz God is taking care of me

Hi! If you've wondering how I've been, I've been sad but okay!
Yeah I'm still unhappy with work. On Tuesday I was on MC and when I came back on Wed I had to pressies on my table – cool right… but not what you think. From Wednesday to Fri my colleaugue was on leave, and then on Wednesday her customer called me and then started screaming and shouting at me until I couldn't take it. I shan't go into details coz you know how it is with blogs people can obtain your link and then start making a fuss. All I will say is I was sad. Then Friday both my colleaugues and managers were on leave, you can imagine I was all alone (we had a new executive but she is new, cannot expect her to know everything or answer all the phone calls) so there was I struggling with all the phone calls. Customers kept calling to enquire and the thing is they could not wait (don't they know I have to keep on answering phone calls every second and they are not my ONLY customers!!) they kept calling to find out the outcome, I could not attend to my other cases, I was terribly dead beat at the end of the day, I did not attend praise. However amidst all this, amidst some people at work who think that I'm silly and waste their time, there were some people who were so helpful and prompt that they really made my day. I really thank God and I could see that God was present through them helping me get through my day. And then thoughout the week I met my mom almost everyday after work for dinner and I must say she was really my sunshine. She lit up my day. Ian was right to say she is the new person in my life. I don’t know why, I just felt so happy when I saw her. Don't ever take your love ones for granted ok. It's not as though my mom is not living with us anymore or that I had not been spending time with her. I don’t know, I guess God sent her to be there for me and that I saw God in her – I saw that God provided her to brighten up my day – I guess its also because I love her and she is my strength and support. Yeah so it also really pains me to see her in pain – she has some problems with her knees and feet. Everytime she walks she is in pain – just shooting pain or her feet becomes numb. And I feel so helpless really… all I can do is try to be nice to her and a good daughter and pray for her. And at the same time, I know my best friend is having problems of his own – being saboed at work, and then just this week he sms me that he is having some health problems too – oh boy. I haven't really been able to meet him recently coz Im so busy but I hope he knows that I've been praying for him and am with him in spirit, and will always be there for him if he needs me. Same goes for my other friend who is having some financial difficulties. She asked me to meet for lunch today through sms. I did not reply immediately and instead deleted her msg first as my inbox was full. Later when I replied, I replied to her old number, and I did not know it! I said I could meet her for lunch at a nearby coffeeshop just that I had to go back to church at 2pm. She did not reply. Today she sms again and said how come I did not reply to her msg, was I busy? I was shocked and then I realise that I smsed her old number! Ok, I did not know how to explain all this through sms, so I waited for later, and then I had a lot of stuff to carry and was on the bus – when I came down from the bus and was walking to my block, I saw her! Oh my goodness. I tried explaining to her, I think she did not understand but said its ok, she figured I was busy, and that she actually wanted to meet for dinner. She was with her other friend. Oh great, I hate all this misunderstandings. She thinks I did not want to meet her and thus did not reply. Sigh. Don’t know what to make of this "fate" "coincidence" thingy, that I msg to the wrong number without me knowing, and then before I could reply, I met her face to face. Its like things are trying to mess themselves up. Nvm, I’ll meet up and make it up to her soon. Today I was happy. You know, I don’t know how some people whom you know can totally ignore you or be so cold to you. Also, sometimes during the peace time, you turn to give people the sign of peace and you can see their eyeballs move totally pass you. As in, bypass you, ignore you. Sometimes I just feel like waving in their faces and saying out loud, "Peace be with you!" until they react. Heehee. I mean, its sad that we are supposed to be equal and all children and brothers and sisters in Christ and there you have it people from your own community treating you like non existent. Sometimes, yes even up to now, I feel really sad and left out and out of place and I always wonder why I'm doing here and I lament to God. And then sometimes with other people I feel alright. Like last week, when he sent 2 special people to talk to me and make me laugh and take my mind off things. He also reassured me today. Friday I felt like shit and I'm beginning to wonder if this is going to be like a trend every Friday. But just now when we met as a core to pray it was really wonderful. And it was fun afterward just like last week. And during mass also. I was sitting alone and then suddenly at the start of the mass, Ian and Agnes came in and sat beside me. At these two instances I really felt encouraged, I really felt that God is providing for me, that he is showing me that I am not alone in my struggles of this world, that there are people there who are for him and who share the same sentiments as me. Sigh I’ve kinda accepted my fate. But now I've come to realise that THAT is not what matters. What matters is God. What matters is, even if some people show that they don't care, there are others, whom I may not even be close with, but will be there for me should I just call for help, either to them directly or to God. And for that I'm really grateful. I am so looking forward to doing his work with this renewed conviction! And right now.. it doesn’t matter that I will not get my wishes answered for my birthday, as they might be material. Coz right now all I want for my birthday is for my mom's pain to go away PERMANENTLY and for me to get another job PLEASE! I just want a job I can enjoy and I'm afraid I cannot take this job any longer. Yup! And thus with all this said, I go to sleep. Good night and God bless!

Unhappy.. deep down

Hihi….

How have you been? I’ve been ok. I know life is never smooth, and yet I wonder how come it is for some, really. It has come to the point where I hate my job. HATE it. I’m on the lookout for a new job. If you know any please let me know. But no job in the service line please. So many things have been happening to make me HATE it. And my only consolation is, that I have applied and will be going on leave on May 3rd (Tues) so I will have a long weekend after the Labour Day holiday as well as May 9th (Mon) the day after my birthday so I can really enjoy. I have not saved up either in my last 8months of work. Can you imagine if I were to be jobless right now. Retrenched or whatever. No money!

Anyway my wish sorta came true. It came true and yet it didn’t. I shan’t go into details as I don’t want people to misunderstand me, but I can’t help but wonder why it has to be this way. Why why why. And as usual I don’t get the answers from God. Should I do a devotion. I really can’t take it at work and I am so out of place elsewhere, that I have no direction. And God was the one who placed me into these two positions. Why why why God. What do you want me to do.

Amazing when you look at how some people, appear carefree and childish and immature, but they are the ones who can seriously move you, whereas others who are or appear mature and sensible but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, you somehow feel that they don’t know the situation, but rather think they do and so called, wanna shepherd you. And it makes you so frustrated, coz you really know its not true, but you can't tell them off in case there is more miscommunication. Anyway, how amazing you are God. Its amazing how whenever we are down, suddenly we find ourselves with God. Don’t you think so. He is our centre, he is always there. Last week I was having such a terrible time. Amazing how from no time I suddenly was spending time with him in the Adoration room. I’ve also found out that there are people who care. But they don't say anything to me! Why why why. Is it coz you’re not close to me. Then how will I have consolation.

And you know how it hurts when you don't feel included with the people you hang out with. Makes you ask yourself why you even hang out with them. Especially when you hear them talking about something that they have done together or are going to do, but didn't call you. And you can't ask them about it because it will be awkward. God, I've been praying about this the longest time God. You've put me in this position and yet it doesn't seem to help. I know you hear me and answer prayers in your own time, but I've been praying about this for the longest time. Does it mean I'm just supposed to bear with it until the time comes for me to move on? It really sucks and I try my best but I'm so unhappy deep down :(

Anyway if you think about it, whenever you are thinking thoughts you are actually talking to God, because he is always there and always listening and hears us. Like when you’re in a situation, you can’t proclaim or tell anyone how you truly feel, you go ‘God, help me get out of this!’ in your head. Maybe that’s how things turn around sometimes even though you don’t recall praying about it much or at all. This is of course different from, “oh My God!” that you hear so often in the movies. I wonder how people can do this. This is actually taking God’s name in vain and it is a serious sin and a violation of a commandment. But oh well, the world these days.

Birthday Wishes: (If I say them out loud does that mean it won’t come true? :P)
Lord, please grant me clubbing khaki! I desperately need some. I so love to club and I so missed out on this when I was younger if I don’t do it now I’ll never do it…
Lord, please grant me new friends, (P.S. I wouldn’t mind cute handsome guys… remember my prayer earlier…)
Lord, please grant me a new job
Lord, please grant me a new vocation

Somehow I don’t think the last 2 wishes will be fulfilled so soon.. coz I need to close this chapter of my life before I can move on, and now would be a bit abrupt… but its these two that are causing me to be unhappy – to be more of a disaster than I already am.. but I really hope that you can grant me the first two wishes so that I can better carry on with what I am already doing, this I ask in your most precious name, Amen.

Good night!

Things to look forward to for the week ahead:
Monday
Lunch out with colleagues
Badminton in the evening, provided I get a racket and finish my work on time
Tuesday
The Pacifier and dinner out
Wednesday
Thursday
Gospel of Matt – more insight to be gained
Friday
Saturday
Clubbing I hope or some midnight movie marathon
Sunday
Guitar lessons
Cell core group

The Day after the prayer was answered...

was today... NORMAL day... going through the same old notions of the same old job...

Parent's 36th wedding anniversary today. We went Kenny Rogers makan. Later I went shopping and bought lotsa stuff. Accesories keke... and also... food that I didn't need but I just wanted to belanja. I think I'm crazy.. I love spending money on stuff... and I love spending money on people whom I know deserve it and whom I hold dear... but this doesn't mean I'm rich so yeah :P

My mom said something just now that made me kinda ashamed... she was talking about the late Pope.. and how he did miracles even before his death.. and then she said... he was suffering for so many years... he could have easily given up..said he wanted to.. and yet he didn't... because God put him in that position - as the Pope. ARGH! I was seriously thinking of 'giving up' the past week. Thinking of. I knew if I'd given up I would let myself down and would be even worse off then where I am right now though. But there was certain points where I felt like it. Me being here served no purpose. But what she said brought back the question of what someone said to me - Do you think Jesus is foolish in choosing you -

Anyway I have no answer. Today 'she' was back to being kaypoh again. I realise that life is not perfect or never the way you want it to be. Things will turn out alright... but then again, lotsa other bumps will come your way soon. The only happy ending, never ending will be in heaven... and ooohhh... I can't wait :D

Tomorow... work again. I guess I will never be happy untill I clear all my outstanding cases. Untill I know how to handle difficult customers. Untill I for once do the right thing on my own without making a mess. I guess there's a reason Jesus gave me the job isn't it. To learn something to grow stronger. Nevertheless I have visions.. of me being blacklisted.. or fired.. and bcoz of that I end up.. with no job at all.. even MacDonalds wouldn't wanna hire me.. scary thought... nightmare I hope never will come true.. anyway the bright side is to always look forward to something..

I'm looking forward to lunch tomorow.. where I'll probably be going out with my colleagues.. coz we have the same lunch time...
I'm looking forward to New Asia Bar this friday... at long last my wish is coming true!!
I'm looking forward to badminton this Saturday...
I'm looking forward to core cell group this Sunday...

I'm looking forward to buying more Jack Skellington The Nightmare before Christmas stuff... gee its so childish but I'm catching up on my youth days when I didn't have money to buy this stuff (lame excuse)..
I'm looking forward to buying more accessories... need more necklaces and bracelets and dangly earrings..
I'm looking forward to resuming Class 2B only God knows when! Seriously... and I do hope and pray to God that dear mummy isns't praying against it.. *cross fingers*... I'll counter pray...


Okok... I better ciao now or tomorow I'll be dead and the murderer would be myself... if you know me by now you'll know what I mean... hehe... Gd night and God bless...

God's presence!!!

If you have been following my blog you’ll see I’ve been having a rough time. Really terrible rough time. My whole life was and still is in a little way a terrible mess. Even though my colleague came back last Wed, things at work were still pretty rough. On Friday I was at my lowest. I couldn’t believe it, I was crying two Fridays in a row. The first Friday I couldn’t help it.. I was tearing at my workplace and I hid in the toilet for 5 mins to stop myself.. I really hope my colleague didn’t notice.. and then last Friday.. I was practically bawling my eyes out but without sound in the adoration room.

I just felt that everything was in a terrible mess. My work, my outside life, everything. And the problem was, me. I was screwing things up. Every single thing I do at work is wrong. I seem to be making a fool out of my department. And the worse – my manager became actually annoyed with me coz she thought that. Even though I tried I never fail to appear immature and childish. It was the pits. Youth group wise nothing was happening. I screwed things up last last Friday all because I led myself believe what people thought of me – that I couldn’t do it.. and instead of proving them wrong I proved them right. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I received a call from one of the kids mom. She wanted to take her daughter out of the youth group coz she had been failing. Sure, I respect her decision. But I didn’t know how to react! All I could say was, ‘I’ll talk to her”. And this brought up other issues such as responsibility to the kids and issues such as we are a youth group not just for fellowship, but as always, God should be the centre. Great, I felt that I was such a let down and was this a test? At this most trying point in my life here I have something very important to deal with. And as usual, there was no one for me to talk to about all this. Except God. But all I could do was just sit in front of him and wallow and cry. I really felt pathetic and really hated myself. Even though Rev Damian mentioned that it was the greatest sin – against the Holy Spirit to have no hope – that was exactly how I felt. I knew God was there… I know he heard me – I just felt pathetic and useless that I didn’t know what to do – utterly helpless.


I went back home on Fri and slept on it. On sat, when I was on my way to church from work, dozing off in the bus, I received a phone call from Seb. He gave me great news that had me smiling for a bit and I almost cried tears of joy. He got accepted into NUS! It’s a big deal I tell you. Poly student accepted. Second try somemore. He’s not within the top 5% but top 10%. And he’s such a good person, and he himself was going through a terrible time at work, I was so happy for him. He could also save money from going overseas to study. Somehow I couldn’t help but feel that that was his good news, not mine – even though I was extremely happy, I couldn’t help but wonder, what would be my silver lining. The only thing good out of this terrible mess was that I spent more time with God – and truly depended on him. I mean, who else could I turn to also. All I could do was pour out my heart to him and just carry on with this sucky life that I’m living. Whats worse, it seemed whatever he gave me I was a failure at. He gave me my job, at which I suck at. He gave me leadership in the youth, of which I suck at!!! I seriously don’t know what in the world I am doing, and I can tell you, this time was the worse down time in my life ever.

Sunday I went for mass again – just felt the need to pray and receive Him. I tell you never in my life had I totally depended on God and prayed to Him with all my heart and wanted to receive Him as much as I did. Fr Romeo’s homily kinda applied to the situation I was in. He said all this despair and disappointment are leading us away from feeling God’s presence, and that yes, there is a divine presence in our lives. He said somemore stuff of which offhand I can’t remember. But still, it was the same. Sucky life. Seriously contemplating entering the Monastery. But that would be running away wouldn’t it. In the end I fell asleep from 6pm all the way till this morning 7am. Fell asleep without praying.

Today as usual, sucky work. I felt no different from Friday, where it was the pits, EXCEPT that, amidst the sadness in my heart, I knew God was there.

I felt God was listening and present when:
- I resisted the temptation of shouting back at my sister and my mom when they nagged at me and scolded me this morning. It was good because when I looked back, I did not sin and I was happy.
- There was periods of time today when there were no phonecalls at all – totally peaceful and that left me free to complete my work without nay disturbances
- I made conversation with my “irritating colleague” and I was truly being sincere in sharing with her going ons in my life and being friendly
- My manager talked it out with me about what she was disappointed with me about – and she was not harsh and I could see that she did not hold it against me
- I spent the rest of my lunch time reading a book about “Life in the Spirit Seminar” because I knew I truly wanted to hear God speaking to me and grow closer to him

And LASTLY:
I Felt GOD was LISTENING and was PRESENT when we had our informal core group meeting over dinner just now! BECAUSE he answered our prayers – or at least mine – WE WILL NOW BE PRAYING EVERY SUNDAY as a group. I cannot imagine anything more beautiful than this – or any other greater sign that prayer has been answered – for the simple reason that PRAYER IS IMPORTANT and POWERFUL and COMMUNICATION and LOVE for GOD. And also haven’t you heard of the verse “When two or three are gathered in my name – there am I in their midst – and whatsoever ye shall ask I will do” (ALLELUIA!!!) I am so looking forward to this Sunday. Just imagine – the miracles and wonders that will be coming out of this community prayer that we are gonna have. And what so more that it is done by the core. The youth group will have its EXPLOSION that we have been waiting for in ages. I’ve always wanted us to pray together and it is simply AMAZING and a sign that we are now going to. And also, I felt God’s presence and that he was listening as we discussed and sorted out quite a bit. There is HOPE yet. THANK GOD AND ALL PRAISES AND GLORY AND HONOUR BE TO HIM FOREVER. AMEN!

Miserable? Me?

Played badminton on monday. Super fun coz I was taught the ropes by a kinda experienced player. Usually instead of hitting the shuttlecock I hit the air. I played till my fingers and soles of my feet had and still has blisters. Arms all aching. Didn't really feel em until now. Hope to make it a point to play every week. Badminton is a great way to exercise. A little bit of running already I huff and puff and blow you away!!! Haha. Can't wait to cycle again soon. I guess cycling will help me with my balancing of the motorbike. And I will get the license I don't care.. well, I have the rest of my life to do it haha.

Work is still the same, damn it. Worse actually. I can't seem to complete stuff. I stayed back today till 8.40pm also couldn't finish all the stuff I have to. 'She' is supposed to be back tomorow. Though I keep imagining what a dread it would be to hear her say 'WAH' this 'WAH' that and 'WHY' this and that so irritating but she better be back soon and take back her stuff. ARRGGHH! Can you imagine... us suffering with her stuff... and I only have one bloody leave day left... for the life of me I have no idea how come.. I had 2 last month and don't recall using up any leave days from that two.. and instead of gaining I'm losing... but work hasn't settled yet so I don't know how I can take leave... perhaps I will collapse at work, hmm, maybe that will do..

yeah I'm in a pretty pissed off mood you can see..

just now I came back and started playing guitar and I heard this really grumpy scary sounding voice telling me to 'SHUT UP' can you imagine and I was playing P&W somemore.. singing the song in my head - me from :) become :(

work is terrible and outside life... just as terrible... my best friend is suffering just like me and I cant do anything about it...and its worse coz he's such a good person... my other good pal is overseas... mai is busy with school... ive got a whole ton of forgotten friends im supposed to meet but can seem to squeeze into my stupid busy schedule.. I can't go on a bloody holiday coz Ive got no money, no leave days and no company.. my work pals don't seem to understand what I'm going through neither are they going through the same thing as me.. perhaps they have a better way of handling things....church people are either too old or too young and I've never felt included anyway... and I feel like I'm screwing things up and making a mess out of everything...

Life is.. miserable right now. I wish I could feel what I felt during Easter vigil mass. Total joy happiness and peace. I really wish that with all my heart.