God's presence!!!
If you have been following my blog you’ll see I’ve been having a rough time. Really terrible rough time. My whole life was and still is in a little way a terrible mess. Even though my colleague came back last Wed, things at work were still pretty rough. On Friday I was at my lowest. I couldn’t believe it, I was crying two Fridays in a row. The first Friday I couldn’t help it.. I was tearing at my workplace and I hid in the toilet for 5 mins to stop myself.. I really hope my colleague didn’t notice.. and then last Friday.. I was practically bawling my eyes out but without sound in the adoration room.
I just felt that everything was in a terrible mess. My work, my outside life, everything. And the problem was, me. I was screwing things up. Every single thing I do at work is wrong. I seem to be making a fool out of my department. And the worse – my manager became actually annoyed with me coz she thought that. Even though I tried I never fail to appear immature and childish. It was the pits. Youth group wise nothing was happening. I screwed things up last last Friday all because I led myself believe what people thought of me – that I couldn’t do it.. and instead of proving them wrong I proved them right. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I received a call from one of the kids mom. She wanted to take her daughter out of the youth group coz she had been failing. Sure, I respect her decision. But I didn’t know how to react! All I could say was, ‘I’ll talk to her”. And this brought up other issues such as responsibility to the kids and issues such as we are a youth group not just for fellowship, but as always, God should be the centre. Great, I felt that I was such a let down and was this a test? At this most trying point in my life here I have something very important to deal with. And as usual, there was no one for me to talk to about all this. Except God. But all I could do was just sit in front of him and wallow and cry. I really felt pathetic and really hated myself. Even though Rev Damian mentioned that it was the greatest sin – against the Holy Spirit to have no hope – that was exactly how I felt. I knew God was there… I know he heard me – I just felt pathetic and useless that I didn’t know what to do – utterly helpless.
I went back home on Fri and slept on it. On sat, when I was on my way to church from work, dozing off in the bus, I received a phone call from Seb. He gave me great news that had me smiling for a bit and I almost cried tears of joy. He got accepted into NUS! It’s a big deal I tell you. Poly student accepted. Second try somemore. He’s not within the top 5% but top 10%. And he’s such a good person, and he himself was going through a terrible time at work, I was so happy for him. He could also save money from going overseas to study. Somehow I couldn’t help but feel that that was his good news, not mine – even though I was extremely happy, I couldn’t help but wonder, what would be my silver lining. The only thing good out of this terrible mess was that I spent more time with God – and truly depended on him. I mean, who else could I turn to also. All I could do was pour out my heart to him and just carry on with this sucky life that I’m living. Whats worse, it seemed whatever he gave me I was a failure at. He gave me my job, at which I suck at. He gave me leadership in the youth, of which I suck at!!! I seriously don’t know what in the world I am doing, and I can tell you, this time was the worse down time in my life ever.
Sunday I went for mass again – just felt the need to pray and receive Him. I tell you never in my life had I totally depended on God and prayed to Him with all my heart and wanted to receive Him as much as I did. Fr Romeo’s homily kinda applied to the situation I was in. He said all this despair and disappointment are leading us away from feeling God’s presence, and that yes, there is a divine presence in our lives. He said somemore stuff of which offhand I can’t remember. But still, it was the same. Sucky life. Seriously contemplating entering the Monastery. But that would be running away wouldn’t it. In the end I fell asleep from 6pm all the way till this morning 7am. Fell asleep without praying.
Today as usual, sucky work. I felt no different from Friday, where it was the pits, EXCEPT that, amidst the sadness in my heart, I knew God was there.
I felt God was listening and present when:
- I resisted the temptation of shouting back at my sister and my mom when they nagged at me and scolded me this morning. It was good because when I looked back, I did not sin and I was happy.
- There was periods of time today when there were no phonecalls at all – totally peaceful and that left me free to complete my work without nay disturbances
- I made conversation with my “irritating colleague” and I was truly being sincere in sharing with her going ons in my life and being friendly
- My manager talked it out with me about what she was disappointed with me about – and she was not harsh and I could see that she did not hold it against me
- I spent the rest of my lunch time reading a book about “Life in the Spirit Seminar” because I knew I truly wanted to hear God speaking to me and grow closer to him
And LASTLY:
I Felt GOD was LISTENING and was PRESENT when we had our informal core group meeting over dinner just now! BECAUSE he answered our prayers – or at least mine – WE WILL NOW BE PRAYING EVERY SUNDAY as a group. I cannot imagine anything more beautiful than this – or any other greater sign that prayer has been answered – for the simple reason that PRAYER IS IMPORTANT and POWERFUL and COMMUNICATION and LOVE for GOD. And also haven’t you heard of the verse “When two or three are gathered in my name – there am I in their midst – and whatsoever ye shall ask I will do” (ALLELUIA!!!) I am so looking forward to this Sunday. Just imagine – the miracles and wonders that will be coming out of this community prayer that we are gonna have. And what so more that it is done by the core. The youth group will have its EXPLOSION that we have been waiting for in ages. I’ve always wanted us to pray together and it is simply AMAZING and a sign that we are now going to. And also, I felt God’s presence and that he was listening as we discussed and sorted out quite a bit. There is HOPE yet. THANK GOD AND ALL PRAISES AND GLORY AND HONOUR BE TO HIM FOREVER. AMEN!
I just felt that everything was in a terrible mess. My work, my outside life, everything. And the problem was, me. I was screwing things up. Every single thing I do at work is wrong. I seem to be making a fool out of my department. And the worse – my manager became actually annoyed with me coz she thought that. Even though I tried I never fail to appear immature and childish. It was the pits. Youth group wise nothing was happening. I screwed things up last last Friday all because I led myself believe what people thought of me – that I couldn’t do it.. and instead of proving them wrong I proved them right. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I received a call from one of the kids mom. She wanted to take her daughter out of the youth group coz she had been failing. Sure, I respect her decision. But I didn’t know how to react! All I could say was, ‘I’ll talk to her”. And this brought up other issues such as responsibility to the kids and issues such as we are a youth group not just for fellowship, but as always, God should be the centre. Great, I felt that I was such a let down and was this a test? At this most trying point in my life here I have something very important to deal with. And as usual, there was no one for me to talk to about all this. Except God. But all I could do was just sit in front of him and wallow and cry. I really felt pathetic and really hated myself. Even though Rev Damian mentioned that it was the greatest sin – against the Holy Spirit to have no hope – that was exactly how I felt. I knew God was there… I know he heard me – I just felt pathetic and useless that I didn’t know what to do – utterly helpless.
I went back home on Fri and slept on it. On sat, when I was on my way to church from work, dozing off in the bus, I received a phone call from Seb. He gave me great news that had me smiling for a bit and I almost cried tears of joy. He got accepted into NUS! It’s a big deal I tell you. Poly student accepted. Second try somemore. He’s not within the top 5% but top 10%. And he’s such a good person, and he himself was going through a terrible time at work, I was so happy for him. He could also save money from going overseas to study. Somehow I couldn’t help but feel that that was his good news, not mine – even though I was extremely happy, I couldn’t help but wonder, what would be my silver lining. The only thing good out of this terrible mess was that I spent more time with God – and truly depended on him. I mean, who else could I turn to also. All I could do was pour out my heart to him and just carry on with this sucky life that I’m living. Whats worse, it seemed whatever he gave me I was a failure at. He gave me my job, at which I suck at. He gave me leadership in the youth, of which I suck at!!! I seriously don’t know what in the world I am doing, and I can tell you, this time was the worse down time in my life ever.
Sunday I went for mass again – just felt the need to pray and receive Him. I tell you never in my life had I totally depended on God and prayed to Him with all my heart and wanted to receive Him as much as I did. Fr Romeo’s homily kinda applied to the situation I was in. He said all this despair and disappointment are leading us away from feeling God’s presence, and that yes, there is a divine presence in our lives. He said somemore stuff of which offhand I can’t remember. But still, it was the same. Sucky life. Seriously contemplating entering the Monastery. But that would be running away wouldn’t it. In the end I fell asleep from 6pm all the way till this morning 7am. Fell asleep without praying.
Today as usual, sucky work. I felt no different from Friday, where it was the pits, EXCEPT that, amidst the sadness in my heart, I knew God was there.
I felt God was listening and present when:
- I resisted the temptation of shouting back at my sister and my mom when they nagged at me and scolded me this morning. It was good because when I looked back, I did not sin and I was happy.
- There was periods of time today when there were no phonecalls at all – totally peaceful and that left me free to complete my work without nay disturbances
- I made conversation with my “irritating colleague” and I was truly being sincere in sharing with her going ons in my life and being friendly
- My manager talked it out with me about what she was disappointed with me about – and she was not harsh and I could see that she did not hold it against me
- I spent the rest of my lunch time reading a book about “Life in the Spirit Seminar” because I knew I truly wanted to hear God speaking to me and grow closer to him
And LASTLY:
I Felt GOD was LISTENING and was PRESENT when we had our informal core group meeting over dinner just now! BECAUSE he answered our prayers – or at least mine – WE WILL NOW BE PRAYING EVERY SUNDAY as a group. I cannot imagine anything more beautiful than this – or any other greater sign that prayer has been answered – for the simple reason that PRAYER IS IMPORTANT and POWERFUL and COMMUNICATION and LOVE for GOD. And also haven’t you heard of the verse “When two or three are gathered in my name – there am I in their midst – and whatsoever ye shall ask I will do” (ALLELUIA!!!) I am so looking forward to this Sunday. Just imagine – the miracles and wonders that will be coming out of this community prayer that we are gonna have. And what so more that it is done by the core. The youth group will have its EXPLOSION that we have been waiting for in ages. I’ve always wanted us to pray together and it is simply AMAZING and a sign that we are now going to. And also, I felt God’s presence and that he was listening as we discussed and sorted out quite a bit. There is HOPE yet. THANK GOD AND ALL PRAISES AND GLORY AND HONOUR BE TO HIM FOREVER. AMEN!
posted by Marie Therese @ 12:03 am
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