Disillusioned

My heart is wrenched out from my body
The pain is unbearable
Where did things go wrong

Is it me being oblivious
Or am I not considered a friend
A friend enough to be informed of what’s going on
Or is it, Marie doesn’t care so she doesn’t need to know

Is it best to remain silent
And carry on with your misconception of me
Without even clarifying the truth
But hold mere assumptions

My whole world is shattered
A part of me has died

A decision has to be made
Should I stay or should I go

I love them no doubt but do they love me
Would it make a difference if I were gone?
Do I provide more good or more harm?

I think that they love me but I guess I’m wrong

It’s just an illusion
I’m so disillusioned right now

Someone once said, well, actually Dennis said, on my friendster testiomonial

‘Good friends bring good times and will always share their laughter
Great friends bring with them their great heart and will always share their time belongings and what else they can spare
But the best of friends have nothing to offer but their thoughts, their secrets and most of all, themselves’

How true. Let me ask you if you’re my friend. Which one are you to me. Are you a good friend, a great friend, or a best friend of mine. And how do I treat you as. Are we both treating each other the same way?

Maybe we will never get past the good friends part to become best of friends. It takes two to tango. But is it too much to ask? Or hope for?

And love would never hurt, right. But the ones you love are the ones who hurt you the most.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"

But what if things go horribly wrong from acting out of the best intentions? What then??

Completely disillusioned.

The Name of Jesus

I’ve just had to deal with a psycho at work recently. A real psycho. He’s left already but the damage has already been done.

It’s unfortunate but ever since I’ve started working, I’ve met all sorts of people and some of them are real damaging to your spirit. But you can’t help who you work with. Not like school where you can choose your friends.

I should have seen it coming. The very first day of his work he said something not right, but I’ve decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Should have trusted my instincts. This is the very thing I was asking God for. Discernment of spirits. But sometimes its right in your face, but you don’t see it. Or you choose to ignore it. But you have to trust.

It’s in meeting all sorts of people that you gain experience, that makes you more equipped to handle different situations in life. And through the job that God has blessed me with, I must say I’ve really learnt a lot. But, the down side is, it can be really damaging. Your life is changed, and you cannot let it affect you negatively.

Anyway, yesterday I was so drained. I was so upset, hurt and angry during work. It was really taking a toll on me and it was really so difficult to pray. So after playing the guitar and reading the bible, I just decided on having some quiet time. I really needed some healing and to get rid of the heaviness that weighed in on my heart. I thought of the bible story of how the sick woman had such faith that should she just simply touch Jesus she would be healed, and she was. I thought of how, one can simply call on the Lord’s name and be saved. I thought of the power of Jesus name. And I prayed and hope it would work on me. And I just kept on calling Jesus’s name out. Until I was sorta singing it. It was nice, like singing in tongues.

And then suddenly, I felt God. It was wonderful. I just stopped, and was still, and FELT Him. Felt His peace. Felt His comfort. Felt His presence. Felt so wonderful. I was simply still. I’ve never rested in the Spirit before but this is what I would call it. I couldn’t move. I could, but it was just that wonderful moment you were in that you just was still and didn’t wanna move. The power of Jesus. The power of His name. I felt so much better after that. Another moment with Him was all I needed, to get rid of all the negative energy that was placed on me.

Which brought me to mind about the Lord’s name. You know it says in the bible to never call God’s name in vain. To never swear by God’s name. Its due to the society we live in and its influences, and you always hear people exclaim, “Oh my God”. That’s calling God’s name in vain. In the movies you always hear people curse, “Jesus”. Compare it with the healing I got by calling Jesus’s name. Jesus’s name is so precious and powerful, we should never abuse it. There’s a lot of verses in the bible about cursing, about gossip, about things that come out of our mouth. We human beings are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and can one imagine, how can something that is so good and holy be in a being that does wrong.

God will always forgive, but will you be able to forgive yourself. I know I still haven't. The consequences are always there. You make your own destiny. So if you’ve never picked up a bad habit, please don’t even try. No matter how enticing it may seem. No matter how so called drawn you are to the ‘light’. The so called ‘light’ conceals the darkness and dark abyss within.

Udon Thani & Vientiane

I’ve had the privilege of visiting Udon Thani and Vientiane (Thailand & Laos) recently.

It was a 2 to go tour and imagine our surprise when we saw a pretty young guy waiting for us at the airport holding our names out. Turned out, he was our age!! He was twenty five and his birthday was one day after Karen’s. 16th August. How cool was that. And for the whole of the first day, it was just the two of us on the tour. We had our own van and all. Verrry cool. Okie, if you asked me, he was cute at first glance but as the day went by, so did the impression fade away. Lol. Too boyish looking.

Two of the places at Udon Thani that made an impression was the ‘museum like’ park with tons of big and interesting crafted statues (Ban Chiang museum), and the park with a lot of natural and man made stones (Phu Phra Bat Historical Park).

What stuck me was the friendliness of the Thai people.

- The Auntie who sold crickets and worms and humongous like cockroaches, whom I wanted to take a photo of with no intention of buying. She agreed with a smile, and when we passed her stall much much later with many shopping bags in our hands, she smiled at us again

- The guy who sold small little custards and pastries. As I had 7 baht of coins which I wanted to get rid of, it was just nice that he was selling jam pastries for 5 baht and custards for 2 baht each. (can you imagine how cheap it was. Exchange rate was like $1 to 21 baht). We were surprised as to why he was packing 3 custards when I asked him for one. He then started explaining to us and when we finally got his accent, we realised he was telling us the other 2 was ‘free’. The added incentive was, he was cute, and he thanked me with the two hands clasped up to his chin, with eye contact. I cannot stress how much eye contact makes a very important impression on me, more so if it’s the first time I’m meeting someone. Hehe. Another thing, HE was cute. Lol. He was my type of cute, not the Thai guide. Too bad I didn’t take a pic of him. Lol. And the Thai guys have this kind of cuteness – the quite looking, calm, gentleness type of cuteness. Even though he had long hair. Tied in a pony tail. And he was selling pastries and custards of all things. Hehe.

- There was a street drink cart stall that sold drinks that contained ‘flour bubbles’, pretty much like our bubble tea, except that it came in flavours like watermelon, oreo, green apple, banana… and most of this was powder form. They would mix whatever flavours you want in a blender with ice, and thereafter add the bubbles and jellies. For 50 cents (10 baht). Yummy. The guy was nice too, he finished making my drink but I was busy taking a picture of him. He simply left it at the counter and started serving another customer, and when I was done I handed him the amount. Not once did he ask me for the money or show impatience or irritancy at me taking a pic of him. And I did not ask him for permission somemore. oops. That was what stuck me most about him.

- The helper at the Thai buffet place we went to.. whereby it was a buffet spread of Thai food for only 3 bucks! (60 baht). Very near our hotel – Charoensri Grand Royal Hotel. I was so urgent and kept looking at the corner hoping to see a toilet sign. The peeps there could not speak a word of English so I did not want to ask them and hoped that I could tahan instead. Finally we decided to look at him for help and he knew what I wanted – immediately he stood up and pointed his hand to the corner, which I found there was indeed a toilet. How nice of him.

- The stallholders of the night market that we visited, also very near our hotel. We took our time choosing stuff like slippers, and bargaining and stuff. And always, after making payment, they would thank us with a smile, their hand greeting / gesture, and also ask us where we were from.
I believe it was more so than in Bangkok – the friendliness of the people I mean. Maybe coz Bangkok is already so tourissy and commercialised.

Laos – Vientiane was more of visiting of Buddhist temples. Although as soon as we entered Laos I noticed that almost everywhere there were advertisements for Pepsi. A lot of the temples had ancient statues of Budddha plus relics etc. So because of this, one of the temples we visited that stood out was - Wat Phrathat Luang - it was surrounded by galleries or beautiful paintings and pictures done by talented artists. When I have a chance I will upload the pictures so you can see what I mean.

At Laos we had a Laotian guide. And another Singaporean couple joined us. So it was 4 of us, but still it felt pretty exclusive and good. Laotion food was good and unique and had variety. A lot of beef. And young corn, in their dishes.

Laos souvenirs were a lot of beautiful and colourful ‘Russian’ like dolls, whereby one big doll contains many small others, amongst bags and beautiful keychains of dolls in their national costumes. My only regret is that I did not shop much in the Loas morning market, coz we only had 1 hour.

As for Udon Thani, basically it was the usual shoes and clothes from the shopping centre. At the night market I got really unique toys sold by ‘aunties’. They were very cleverly made. One was either a mouse or a bird, made of sponge, that had a cardboard wheel at their bottom, which was connected to a string and stick and joined by rubber bands. So it looks like a puppet. And when you hold it up, the mouse or the bird seems to walk. How genius of them. And it only cost 10 baht (50 cents). I wished I bought more, but there was only so much I could carry, coz of how fragile they were. And of course priority goes to my nephew and nieces.
Then they also had Spiderman keychain souvenirs made with thick yarn/thread.

And at Ban Na Kha Textile Village, there were many beautiful traditional Asian looking type of costumes made of silk, etc. It was there which I picked up 2 different kinds of musical instruments, made of wood. One was a whistle kind that sounds like a bird when you move the stick up and down while blowing. Another was a slightly bigger kind which you blow air into holes and it sounds simply beautiful. Both also very cheap, about 10-15 baht. Here again, I wish I could have had the means to buy more.
Anyway, it was a real holiday. As in, when there, you forget about the worries of the real world and simply be carefree. But of course you spend money.

I thank God for keeping me safe. This time round I had no bad dreams in the hotel. (coz my first stay at Bangkok, I did believe that the hotel was haunted).

I wish I had spent more time with Him praying on my trip. That’s how it is when you go travelling. If it’s not a same religion group you’re going with, you’ve simply got to make time to pray on your own. Coz usually your whole day will be occupied with your companions that if you don’t make time to pray, you will simply forget about it.

And of course, when I was back in SG, yes it was home sweet home. And it was also back to the real world. Responsibilities. Worries. Life callings to think about. Ha ha. I long for the day when I can just pack my bags and go round the world and live round the world.

Yeah. So that’s it! Do visit Udon Thani and Vientiane before it gets too commercialised when you have the chance! And do call me along if you go! There or anywhere round the world! Hehe. Peace out =)

I will Boast of the Lord my God

24th May 2007
So there was I, having a bit of free time at night.
I was thinking I should probably get down to composing some songs.
My mind thought of all the wondrous praise and worship songs like ‘Indescribable’ and ‘Great in Power’ whose verses came from the Psalms in the bible.

Was thinking I could check out Psalms and get some inspiration there.
Opened my bible and started flipping through as what I usually do, which is reading randomly.
Everytime I do I hope I get a word or phrase that has meaning to the situation I’m in, but I never do, but still I keep on reading.
Anyway that night I decided to check out Psalms and get some lovely verses which I could turn into a song.
As usual I did not make a beeline for Psalms but just kept flipping through the bible from the back starting from the Gospels.
And then, while flipping through, I came to Jeremiah.
And I came to the verse/chapter title “True Wisdom”.

And then I read the verse: (Jeremiah 9:23-24)

23 Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, 24 but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Imagine my surprise and delight!!!!
This was the verse of the song, “I will Boast” by Paul Baloche!
Did God just speak to me or what!
I couldn’t believe it.. there was I thinking of composing some nice songs with verses from the bible and in particular Psalms.
There He was hearing me and pointing out to me the verse of “I will Boast”. Which I did not know came from the bible.
He was also showing me that I could get phrases from anywhere in the bible to compose songs.
I was so happy.

This sorta thing, whereby God spoke to me through the bible happened like only once and it was 3 years back.

It was simply amazing and I just had to share it with you guys, hence my sms to many of you.
What was amazing was that Sharon Neo was also reading that chapter of Jeremiah.
*sigh* of happiness.
I will always remember this moment especially when I’m down, as I truly feel that it’s a sign of God’s love for me – Him clearly speaking to me at that moment. And that He loves me enough to speak to me.

P.S. Important thing which I must keep reminding myself is to keep on trying. There were many days when prayer was dry. Reading the bible was dry. But I kept on doing so coz I knew it was a good thing to do and it would bring me closer to Him. And in the end I was blessed with that moment with Him. I can never truly express how I feel.