Temptations - Is God's love enough

And so that day (last Tues I think) I dreamt I was possessed by the Devil.
It was not that I was disturbed.
It was really a dream.
It was like, I was calling Jesus for help but so afraid, coz the Devil could read my thoughts.
Like there was no hope.
I received a variety of reactions.
Some were shocked, some laughed.
My mom gave the most accurate insight.
A message from God/my angel.
Informing me that I will be disturbed in the future.

True enough.

I won the battle the other day. (last Saturday)
A family battle.
One battle won, but many more to come.
A lot of issues in my family to sort out.

Praise and thanked Him during Sunday Mass.
And yet, immediately after mass I fell into sin again.
Could have just boxed myself.

And the very next day (Monday) I was in such a bad mood.
Hated the world, hated everyone.
Felt so unloved.
Felt that no one cared.
Felt so stressed and pressurised.
Felt like running away.

And true enough, when I contacted my friends, no one could meet.
I asked myself why do I have friends when I can’t open up to them.
When I feel like they are not there for me.

Anyway I was at Novena Church.
No where else to go, except back to God.
For the first half hour I struggled.
And when I realised that no human being would be there for me,
I tried again to turn to God.
All my frustrations.
All my doubts.
Felt so unloved by the world.

And then I sanked into sub-consciousness.
It was like I was asleep but I wasn’t.
And I was sorta like in ‘communion’ with Him.
And it was wonderful.
Half an hour of being in His presence.
Being with Him.
I could not say it was pure bliss.
Coz I had my worries and troubles still on my mind.
But He reminded me of His love.

The image came to my mind.
Of when I was at my lowest point.
I was lying on the ground, with the Devil standing beside me.
Jesus was high above, and His light shone brightly all around.
I was in sin.
And yet, the Devil could not touch me.
God said, “This child is mine. She has my mark. You cannot harm her”.
And I was reminded back of that time 3 years ago.
When I was in Sin.
When all seemed lost.
But God had His hand over me.
I had my own free will, and He could not make me do anything against it.
And it was there the Devil laughed.
He thought he had me in his clutches.
But God reigned supreme.
I was still His child.
A child of light.
And He protected me.
And His love saved me.

And I had another vision.
Of how no other human being believed in me.
But God did.
The words came to my mind again.
“Marie, He chose you. I asked Him again, and He said it’s you”
And that was leadership of the youth group.
Only God believed in me.
God gave me that responsibility.

And I asked myself.
He had shown me time and again He loves me.
He even died on the cross for me.
And if that was not enough, He had shown me His love for me specifically.
Am I going to throw it all away and fall into sin again.
Do I need to love of human beings when I had the love of God and that was something even more amazing and more beautiful and more than any human being could ever provide me with.
And the vision of my tar stained heart came to mind again.
And God’s love overflowed.
God’s blood washed over it completely.
But it was not clean.
It was up to me.
God wants to wash my heart clean, but He can’t if I won’t let Him.
But I left Novena Church that day with conviction.
With God by my side.

But the struggles carried on throughout the day and night.
Suddenly I had this strong urge to contact my ex.
I was thinking, its been three years.
Let bygones be bygones.
Could be friends.
And He has been trying to these past years.
So I know if I will just to make a move, that would be it.
It had to take every ounce in me not to do anything.
Think of the consequences I told myself.

This was what the dream signified.
Temptations.
Temptations to go back to an old life.
Temptations and thoughts running through my head.
Telling me that this was not worth it.
To struggle through life.
To not feel love.
To get no encouragement.
To take the easy way out.
It’s an internal struggle.
It’s an internal battle.
Is God’s love enough for me?