Suffocating... I need prayers

It's 5pm on a Saturday and I'm still in the office. And it's by choice. I have to or next week there is more work and it will just be my fault for not completing, for not managing, for not prioritising.

Just thought I'd post this quick note because right now I am really dying. Suffocating I can't breathe. I am physically sick. I have not recovered and I simply have no time to see a doctor. And I am emotionally sick as well.

Work is just terrible. It's been a month and we still don't have a new staff. Everyday tons of feedback, by email, by feedback form. Close to 30, 40 per day. We still have to answer phonecalls. How to concentrate on feedback when the calls come in. And its non-stop the past few days coz of some promotion we just had. Every single time we get scolded, reprimanded, questioned. No matter how hard we try our best. There's just no support. Alot of things are based on assumptions. If you say miscommunication, I try my best to communicate but I am shut off, cut off halfway and put in light as the bad person. I have no say coz I am the lowest position here. Authority always gets the final say.

I simply cry everyday. I pray but it just gets worse and worse.

And if work is not enough. Youth and church responsibilty also I get no support. Here, I have authority but authority here is different. Everyone comes to you expecting you to do this and that. Expecting you to know this and that. They do not take no for an answer. And you can't say yes coz the people don't want it. Something comes up and you're suppose to represent. People can't make it coz they have their own stuff. Is it simply up to me to bear the responsibility? What if I myself cannot do it or cannot make it? Why don't people care? Then it will be back to square 1. The youths are not doing anything. The co-ordinating is terrible. I've seen the worst of it - the Youth Fest, dunking machine. But now I'm at the end of my tether. I won't even mention what I have right now. It's just pushing me to my limits. I try my best to tell people whats going on in my life but I get spurned. It's so fake. Now I know why people don't like to come to church. Its the people. The people I like, I'm not even close to them.

And outside actvities. It's just going on and on and on. Despite me cutting down. Swimming, guitar, etc. I still have to meet friends to do this and that. I tell you I just wanna get away from it all. I have no quiet time to myself, to follow up with Sister from my retreat also. No time to BREATHE. No time for me just to sit with God. I need your prayers seriously. Or I am simply going to disappear. And do something impulsive.

It's my birthday in about a week's time but the events leading up to it already show its not going to be a celebration. It's going to be a death sentence.

Spritual Battle? Letting go?

Hi!!!!

I really went throuh such a crazy time this past week. I'll just tell you briefly, as I don't have much time hahah (using my friend's pc during lunch). I had planned to go on my own personal retreat the last weekend, 1st and 2nd april. As I finally had some time off to myself. Work, activities, etc was all just to much and I just needed some quiet time away to spend on my own, collect my thoughts, and also, with God =)

Anyway, on Monday, 27th March, I took that step by calling the Canossian Spritual Centre to see if I could stay in a room. Chose that coz an email sent by a friend about some Lenten retreat held there described the place as being tranquil, quiet, etc coz was near the Bt Batok Nature Reserve. Okie, everything was fine. Life carried on as usual. Thursday (30 March) decided to go for healing mass and was kinda looking forward to it actually. I usually get excited and look forward to this kinda things, mass, etc coz I wanna get closer to God.

Anyway, wasn't sure if I should have gone for the healing, it was actually a praying over conducted by the 4 priests of our church. Asked God to give me a sign if I should have gone by getting someone I didn't know at all to invite me. Haha, that didn't happen. Only my mom asked me :S In the end decided to go, partly because of the peer pressure, (almost everyone was going!!!) Partly because I thought, a bit of extra prayers will do me good. So I went to Fr. Quek's q.

Of course I was feeling a bit shaky and funny and an overwhelming feeling before I went and afterwards as well... couldn't stop crying during the praying over and afterwards just felt so silent, so calm, just didn't feel like speaking at all. Ok, that was Thurs night. Friday was when the wierdest stuff started happening. I was already feeling wierd inside like very empty, etc... but during lunch when I went off to say a little prayer (have been trying to put some quiet time with Him aside during lunch) I started crying for no reason!!! And I felt simply terrible. Like He was so far away even though i KNEW he was with me. Felt like I was a terrible sinner. Felt like no hope like that. Had to control myself to go back to work.

Then, just before praise also. I went to the Adoration room and when I was by myself, just started sobbing. The feeling was much worse. You know how sometimes you cry and you feel better afterwards. I was crying as though there was no hope, as though I just had to cry and cry!!! I was so damn scared. My friend said a prayer with me but it didn't help either. I just felt so scared of being alone, even though I had too, as who in the world would understand why I was crying, I myself didn't, and I was wondering what in the world was happening since I was perfectly fine before Thursday!!! I didn't do anything wrong!!! Okie, after that I said the St. Michael's prayer and the bind and cast out prayer. It was damn difficult I tell you. I was so scared to close my eyes, so afraid of the dark, felt goose pimples. Finally, at last I knew it was over when I said the "Our Father in Heaven" and I felt true happiness and joy when I said "in heaven". Phew. Really thought was some evil spirits ok.

But it was not over. Around 2am I suddenly got very scared again until I finally fell asleep. Sat, when I started my retreat, also I started crying! I felt I was going crazy you know. Like no salvation like that. Finally, finally, yesterday afternoon when I spoke to one of the sisters she shed some light as to what I was going through. Finally!!! You know how it is, when someone has a messgage from God it usually strikes you and hers did. Haha... okie I don't have much time but I will tell you in my next posting..... hahaha... stay tune!