Spritual Battle? Letting go?

Hi!!!!

I really went throuh such a crazy time this past week. I'll just tell you briefly, as I don't have much time hahah (using my friend's pc during lunch). I had planned to go on my own personal retreat the last weekend, 1st and 2nd april. As I finally had some time off to myself. Work, activities, etc was all just to much and I just needed some quiet time away to spend on my own, collect my thoughts, and also, with God =)

Anyway, on Monday, 27th March, I took that step by calling the Canossian Spritual Centre to see if I could stay in a room. Chose that coz an email sent by a friend about some Lenten retreat held there described the place as being tranquil, quiet, etc coz was near the Bt Batok Nature Reserve. Okie, everything was fine. Life carried on as usual. Thursday (30 March) decided to go for healing mass and was kinda looking forward to it actually. I usually get excited and look forward to this kinda things, mass, etc coz I wanna get closer to God.

Anyway, wasn't sure if I should have gone for the healing, it was actually a praying over conducted by the 4 priests of our church. Asked God to give me a sign if I should have gone by getting someone I didn't know at all to invite me. Haha, that didn't happen. Only my mom asked me :S In the end decided to go, partly because of the peer pressure, (almost everyone was going!!!) Partly because I thought, a bit of extra prayers will do me good. So I went to Fr. Quek's q.

Of course I was feeling a bit shaky and funny and an overwhelming feeling before I went and afterwards as well... couldn't stop crying during the praying over and afterwards just felt so silent, so calm, just didn't feel like speaking at all. Ok, that was Thurs night. Friday was when the wierdest stuff started happening. I was already feeling wierd inside like very empty, etc... but during lunch when I went off to say a little prayer (have been trying to put some quiet time with Him aside during lunch) I started crying for no reason!!! And I felt simply terrible. Like He was so far away even though i KNEW he was with me. Felt like I was a terrible sinner. Felt like no hope like that. Had to control myself to go back to work.

Then, just before praise also. I went to the Adoration room and when I was by myself, just started sobbing. The feeling was much worse. You know how sometimes you cry and you feel better afterwards. I was crying as though there was no hope, as though I just had to cry and cry!!! I was so damn scared. My friend said a prayer with me but it didn't help either. I just felt so scared of being alone, even though I had too, as who in the world would understand why I was crying, I myself didn't, and I was wondering what in the world was happening since I was perfectly fine before Thursday!!! I didn't do anything wrong!!! Okie, after that I said the St. Michael's prayer and the bind and cast out prayer. It was damn difficult I tell you. I was so scared to close my eyes, so afraid of the dark, felt goose pimples. Finally, at last I knew it was over when I said the "Our Father in Heaven" and I felt true happiness and joy when I said "in heaven". Phew. Really thought was some evil spirits ok.

But it was not over. Around 2am I suddenly got very scared again until I finally fell asleep. Sat, when I started my retreat, also I started crying! I felt I was going crazy you know. Like no salvation like that. Finally, finally, yesterday afternoon when I spoke to one of the sisters she shed some light as to what I was going through. Finally!!! You know how it is, when someone has a messgage from God it usually strikes you and hers did. Haha... okie I don't have much time but I will tell you in my next posting..... hahaha... stay tune!