My Goal!!!

Ok, yesterday I got the results of the In Tune With Mission Song Writing Competition. Finally, haha, since they said that judging would be done on the 18th of July, but I guess they needed a bit more time. Suspense lah, on my part. I won the consolation prize! Yay!!! Ok, the truth is, my first reaction was, I was quite sad, I really hoped to win, as the top 3 winners would also win a song writing workshop. But mummy said it was good enough, as it was my first time entering such a competition.. and everyone whom I asked to pray for me were very happy for me when they learn of the results, so I'm really grateful and thankful to God.. hey, its my first time!!! No. 1, I'm such a bad singer, No. 2, I wrote the song kinda last minute, No. 3, the recording was not perfect, No. 4, Fr. Anselm Pang was the 3rd Prize Winner!! Hey, I don't know him personally but I know he has been writing songs for some time, since he was part of STYG's Visions and Dreams Recording more than 10 years back. So not bad huh, I won the consolation prize!!! Also, because I've been so occupied and tired at work, I've only been praying for this once at night, except for the night before the results, when I decided to storm heaven and I said 9 Hail Marys for this. Fr Damian's reply was really funny, he said, 'Thanks be too GOD, you are the new Michael Jackson' lol... and Yiiipppeeee!!! $100 :) And I can write songs to glorify God!!! :D

Things are getting really bad at work. I've realised on Friday, that its not just stress that I was feeling, but pressure... it was so bad that I left the office to take a walk. Technically it was still my lunch time, but I needed to get away... else, no. 1, I would simply break down with all the stuff and pressure that is going on, No. 2, I would probably snap at an innocent person and it would be disastrous... thing is, it took me a looong time to calm myself down, despite plugging my mobile phone to Praise & Worship songs... I tried taking deep breaths, erm, did not work.. then I decided to say some Hail Marys.. to calm myself, and suddenly I got the thought to just admire nature... I've always liked nature and animals but I don't really know how to appreciate them, and furthermore most of the time I'm really lost in my own thoughts, I'm oblivious :P so anyway I observed some ants.. then a humongous army ant came into my view, and I was just sitting at the bus stop and observing them move, going about with their little lives, and I was just thinking to myself, it is so not worth it getting stress.. do I want to grow old faster? I'm already so old.. I discovered my first and only white hair a couple of months back even though my sis claims she saw one just a week ago :S and do I really want crows feet, noooooo!!!! Horrorrs... and I just thought look at these little creatures, going about their work, in their own little way, surviving, just admiring them for what they were... and then I started walking back to the office, I took out my ear phones as I didn't want to be distracted, you never know what you can see if you really open your eyes and guess what, I saw this cute little caterpillar, actually it was kinda plain, but it reminded me of a muppet caterpillar (on strings) back in my childhood days when I used to watch Sesame Street... and it was crawling along the pathway... It used its head to tap the ground, and how it moved was by arching its body forward.. sooo cute.. and yes I chose to believe that God placed it in my path, as I started to think, this little creature crawling on the pathway, not knowing that it could easily be stepped on. And what if it were stepped on, that would be the end of it, it would die.. and what about me, as a human.. if I'm stepped on, do I die? No, I fight back!! And so, I got my calmness back and some answers from God :) God's creation is really beautiful. And I keep telling myself, human beings are also God's creation, and made in His image and likeness somemore. I really must try to see the good in them.

And today, somehow I knew it beforehand that it would be my turn to do the prayer for our Praise & Worship.. and I lifted it up to God in prayer, and everything turned out well.. I was still nervous, but this time my heart was not beating as though it was going to explode!! And somehow, the song I chose was also unplanned, but it worked out ok. Thank you Jesus :)

Yes, I am trying to learn to let go... I was thinking I cant wait to leave my job, and let go of all the baggage that comes with it, so that I can be free... but I realise that I would not really be free because I have so many things to let go... fear, faults, pride, guilt from past sins... I think this is why I can never fully surrender myself to the Holy Spirit... some sorting out of myself to do here...

Sometimes when I'm on the bus on the way to work, etc, and I start to listen to Praise and Worship songs, and I think how wonderful it would be if I could just do this forever.. coz I'm just so peaceful and happy when I'm in praise and worship of Him.. and I try to think of how I could do this for a living.. can I write Praise and Worship songs for a living forever? And then I got the realisation that this is what we would be doing in Heaven... we would be with the angels and saints praising and glorifying God for all eternity and I think of how wonderful that would be and the amazing joy and happiness that would come with it and then I think, I have to make this my goal... to try my best to achieve this goal, I have to be good and do good here on earth, which is not always easy as life is never easy.. although they say that life can never be smooth sailing or you would never learn anything or be a stong person. So anyway, despite all this, there is nothing that would make me happier than being with God so I hereby and henceforth make this my goal... to be with God :)

Moving on, I've never had the chance to attend any National Day Parade. This year I was lucky enough to attend a celebration with Young NTUC at the padang. And it was really cool.. the goody bag, the atmosphere, the fireworks, the crowd... yes, there was an article in The Straits Times yesterday, a commentary rather.. we may have our faults.. but the point is to focus on the good.. and yes, I am very proud to be a Singaporean. I said my Pledge and sung the National Anthem with pride. We may be small but we are big in heart. You can recognise a Singaporean from miles away. Besides that, I am also 110% Singaporean.. I speak Singlish, I love to eat, I'm rojak, I'm kiasu...the list goes on... :)

So I would just like to end here, with thanking God for all His wondrous blessings.. He is really amazing.. without His love, I can never survive, without Him, I am nothing... thank you God, for loving me.

Walking on...

Got my letter from HR on Monday. When I received it I was so disappointed. The increment was $230. Why I was disappointed? Because as a Team Leader, a supervisor, I could earn $300 to $400 more with O.T. And now, as an Executive, there is no O.T. And my previous pay did not even hit 2k. So you can guess how much I am earning now. I was so disappointed that I started crying. So extreme huh, that I must cry. But I guess because I really worked so hard, only to get this. I am still working hard, harder, even, until I have no life on weekdays and I'm burnt out on weekends, only for this.

I shared with my Manager yesterday, and she said she would bring it up to our HOD, but if the pay was fixed by HR, there was nothing I could do. Then she tried to say that Executives have other better benefits, and mentioned going for more expensive courses, but in my mind I was thinking, that doesn't help, I don't even have time to go for such courses. Not like my Assistant Manager, who got the post as AM post when she applied for Executive because my manager told me a year ago that they would be keeping the Exec post for me when I graduate. Sigh. Our AM is so free. All she does is go for courses courses and more courses. Assign, assign and assign more cases. And not only that, she gives us her work to do. Our manager does not even do that. And yesterday my manager told me to feel free to call her if I needed to talk or anything, even outside of office hours and mentioned that the AM does that. According to my colleague she is sucking up to the manager. During the week that my manager was not around, as she was on course, it seems that the AM called my manager and said she feels so bad, she does not know how to motivate our team, when our team has a surge of feedback, etc etc. I was thinking, its so easy!! What we need is support, which you're not giving us. You just keep on giving us more work to do, your own work even and you do not even help us with our own work. Sigh. Even though I am on one level higher now, the same level as the managers and executives, my M and AM are together, I'm not. I'm still with the rest of the team. So divided. Haiz.

Anyway, good news for myself, I saw that some acting courses which I missed early this year are back again for Sept/Oct, and I really hope to join and pursue my passions. Yesterday I did a presentation for work for the first time, and for the first time in years since my poly days. Yes I was nervous, I think I spoke too fast and my voice trembled a bit but my manager said I was fine, only thing is that I did not mentioned more cases like the AM did the previous week. Ok, so my presentation was oK! Yayy, one hurdle down. Perhaps I should join Toastmasters. Really need to brush up on this.

I think those who know me know that I'm such a talkative person, however I think I have not learnt to let go and thats why I tend to be too quiet in bigger groups or with pple I don't know too well. I worry that if I just blurt out what I feel or think I might end up saying the wrong things. But I really hope I can get over this. How can a shy quiet person be dramatic right.

Anyway, I got good things to look forward to. The results of the song writing competition is still not out yet, so please pray for me.. I'm really crossing fingers and praying fervantly for a chance at this.. but anyways I would be attending the Social Mission Alive event on the 22nd August. A chance to check out more about mission work. My plan is to try out my passions and achieve my dreams while I can before I turn 30, as it is I'm already so old now. Then pay off all my debts, make my mummy proud such that she can say "thats my daughter there!", save some more money and then go off to foreign lands to do mission work for as long as I can. Yeah thats my plan. Don't know if it will work. Don't really see the pathway. Praying real hard that God will help me. And am just going to take the plunge and do it.

Then there's National Day coming up! For the first time I will be attending a National Day event, which will be at the Padang.

Then comes my trip to Italy and France. I am so looking forward to getting to see the Eucharistic Miracle. That is really amazing. And playing guitar for mass. Thanks Jock for helping me. By God's grace, I somehow managed to get the music chords from a song book that I borrowed from Shawn. And Jock sparing me his time to show me how to play certain songs. The initial teacher who I was hoping would be able to teach me did not really teach me the first time, he just played once for me to hear, did not turn up on the 2nd appointment, and I was left alone since then. Although I am grateful for him allowing me to photocopy the music sheets. So now its less than a month away, I'm just goina practise both playing and singing, (actually I can't sing ahhh) and leave it up to God. This is my heart's desire.. to play for Mass during the pilgramage.

And then we will visit Lourdes. I wonder how it will be like. I'm going to ask for a miracle for my face. Yeah, my doctor laughed at me. He said I won't get it. I think he is under the impression that Lourdes miracles are for those who are really sick not for minor, perhaps petty matters like my face. But I think there's a chance. Yeah, his antibiotics helped clear the huge pimples, but the pimples left behind scars on my face which occasionally leave me very depressed. Until now I am still emotionally affected at how, a beautician whom i trusted could allow such a thing to happen to me and I wait for the day when my face will be cleared again. There is hope. Yeah.

So moving forward.. I must always try to remember that wonderful verse which he gave to me 2 years ago - "Have I not commanded thee.. be not afraid and have courage.. for the Lord is with thee wheresoever thou goest" and I will be alright.

Adious! Till next time!!!

In Tune with Mission Song Writing Competition

Okay, I did it!!! I submitted my entry!!!

I registered for this competition by Caritas Singapore about a month ago. It was by chance I happened to look at the notice board on the way in to church and saw the poster. I thought this was a great opportunity; I love writing songs - praise and worship - and I love to play the guitar, praise and worship too he he.

As the date drew nearer I worried though.. this kinda thing one needs inspiration, and time.. so far, it was on the back of my mind but I never really sat down to write the song.. my mom asked me why did I wanna sign up for things which I could not do.. and I told her I could do it.. its just that, this and that, time and inspiration, and etc, and etc.. and she encouraged me to pray to the Holy Spirit for inspiration and I decided to go to the Adoration Room last weekend to do it.. Saturday came, a couple of days more to the deadline. I decided to stay at home instead and write the song. Started at about 12.07pm. Ok, it may be easy to come up with the lyrics but what about the melody.. fret fret.. I took up my guitar and tried another way of plucking, instead of my usual strumming.. ok, I got the beat!!! I looked through the notes on the principles of the Church's social teaching... bit by bit I got the lyrics.. I stopped around 2pm to get ready to go to my brother's place to celebrate my mom's and nieces's birthday.

I next looked at the song the following day, Sunday afternoon. The lyrics looked so foreign!!! I thought I forgot the tune.. tried it out...ok, finally I got the beat again.. so I recorded it in church, in St. Michael's Room.. nice and quiet.. with my mom there, for her opinion... gosh, I was so nervous!!! She is my mom and yet I took a while to warm up and get over my nervousness and play for her.. okie, good, she likes it!!! and then it was time for mass. The song was far from perfect, but I thought I had a few more days, to the deadline, the 15th of July. And there was another nagging thought, how do I convert the amr file, which all recording formats done from mobile phones are. A friend reassured that I could get the free converter online. I tried searching briefly before but thought I saw that I had to pay for it. Another person assured that she could help me convert the file, as she had the converter. Okie, good, now all I had to do was practise, and record the song again.

Monday, 13th July. My mom's 70th birthday!!! Yayyy, had a wonderful time celebrating with her, whole day was out, morning at work, afternoon and night celebrating. When I reached home, it was close to midnight. I tried recording it in my kitchen (quiet) but could not.. too tired to do a good recording, and the background, no good. So decided to come back to church today, Tuesday, 14 July. One day before the deadline!!!

Today I let my colleagues hear my song. My singing was terrible, but ok, they had smiles on their faces!!! Good sign but Uh oh, they could not make out my lyrics though. A colleague had a great suggestion which I bore in mind. Ok, after work, it was back to church and recording at St. Michael's Room. Had my mom and sister with me. It's great to have family support. Record from 8 until 9, still did not get it perfect, but my energy was failing... my finger grip kept for the chords slipping, I kept fumbling, the strumming was going off... I was too tired.. and so was my mom.. (she chimed in for some parts!!! :D) so we decided to use one of the recordings we did earlier and we left for home.

At home, close to 11pm, I went online and eagerly searched for the friend who promised to help me convert the song.. however, she suddenly was not very willing to help and threw her weight around, and I was close to tears... another friend helped.. (thats you Nat, thanks!!!) and sent me a link, but after I downloaded, I could not open the file as a part was missing or something. I was getting desperate.. I was so tired, I kept searching online, but everything I kept downloading failed.. did not know anyone whom I could approach for help and did not really want to disturb those whom I thought might know... one download finally worked, but because I did not have the product key, they had a couple of voiceovers on my song... Really, I was at my wits end and kept crying out to God for help... kept on trying... and finally, I managed to convert the file with one of the downloads that I downloaded!!! Praise and thank God he heard my prayer!!!! And it was a great feeling - the feeling of doing things independently - trying and trying and finally succeeding.. of course it was great coz God helped me with this!!!

And I finally submitted the song!!! The judging will be done on 18th July, this Sat. The cash prizes are very attractive, and the great thing is we don't really have to pay any cash to enter the competition. But what I would really like is, the top 3 winners would get a 2 hour song writing workshop. How wonderful is that. The other good thing is, they don't judge on the singing or the quality of the recording. I really don't sing too well. I know God doesn't mind tho. He he. And I recorded it on my humble mobile phone, not professionally or with a voice recorder. But I really hope I have a chance. To make my family proud - already made them proud with my latest career achievement, to make them proud in this aspect - church related would be great. And to make my friends proud too. And to praise God!!! Cross fingers, I'm praying and hoping for the best!!! :D :D