GOD has seen me through...
Two days ago I was crying.. tears of sadness... today I cried... tears of joy!! Haha... 2 days ago I almost posted the following - actually I did post but deleted it.. now I think its okay to post.. coz whatever happened today has overidden that..:
27th May 2005:
Ok, thats it.. I can't take it.. I have to talk.. and there's no one who is willing to listen who will understand and who will remain neutral.. except God, whom I will talk to after this and this blog. Sobsob.. I think I'm going to have a good cry after this. Maybe because I'm tired. I don't know.. there's just some stuff that is putting tremendous pressure on me. And people think that I'm blah blah blah blah? No, seriously, I don't care.. coz God knows better... But maybe you would like to try being in my shoes? Yes that would be good wouldn't it. People of authority coming to you asking you to do this and do that... and yet, this very people, when you've tried your hardest, question you and are skeptical and doubt your abilty. Whats the point then???? By the time I rise up to the level of your 'ability' I won't be here already!!! And the worse is that your own people think that way of you. Yeah, don't care right, just move on.. time will tell. There's website materials to do. There's people to contact and outreach. (When you reach home at 7pm everyday, half the time occupied planning other stuff you don't even have time to rest) There's the meeting to plan. Ok, if you think this is so simple, try it. Do not play with people's spirituality. You gotta research and read the readings to see what topic would be suitable for that week. Even bible study/sharing has to be planned a bit before hand? People never ever confirm with you certain things until last minute. If it doesn't work out, who is responsible for carrying it out? You. You know what... just forget it. I'm so disillisioned right now, I'm going to pray then sleep. Jesus, save me.
Seriously.. was under tremendous pressure, stress, sadness... no one to turn to except God.. was at the end of my tether.. contemplated talking to people straight on and facing the issues straight on.. but as I spent more time thinking about it and time in prayer, I thought I'd bring it up during prayer as a form of reflection. No point confronting people to face issues of forcing them. Ultimately, everything we do is for God and hence, bringing it back to the source was what I decided to do. I also decided to open my bible and read. Yeah, I don't usually read the bible, haha, but, it is the Word of God.. and God does speak to you through his word. I desperately needed words of encouragement. And it was then that I came across the passages to use as well, which fitted so aptly with what I wanted to talk/pray about.
1 Corinthian 10:16-18 (this Sunday's second reading that fitted so perfectly!!)
Ephesians Chapter 4 - The Unity of the Body
And as I spent a bit more time in prayer earlier today:
Luke 12 4-6 - Whom to fear
Mark 11 27-33 - The Question about Jesus' Authority
1 Corinthians 12 12-31 - One Body with Many Parts
Fantastic I tell you. I was reaffirmed with reading the bible. God seriously speaks to you through the bible. I'll be reading it more to make references as well. Also, I prayed pretty hard in a certain way. Yes, I'll admit, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I didn't want to mess things up.. especially since I had chosen to do this in a form of prayer, I was especially afraid of messing with the spiritual stuff. Now I remember - I even told God - if I were to say anything wrong during prayer, please strike me, less I continue. God definitely heard me. I was surprised that I managed to say and lead everything confidently. (God was there defintely) Well, except for leading the guitar part. Wrong key... Hahaha... maybe my time has not yet come to lead prayer with guitar.
Anyway, it looks as though most stuff has been resolved.. I say most because I know one little inkling bit that still has not. And I don't know how to tackle it. You would least expect what it is to be, but I am not going to mention it here because I don't know who reads my blog. As a leader you have to notice stuff and be able to discern what you notice as well as be able to handle it. For now I will just pray, as I did for today, and I'm sure that God will be in charge. All I will say is, I think it has got to do with priorities, commitments and perhaps, a bit of discouragement as well.
And then I was going to mass... so happily... was so looking forward to mass and praising him and to receive him in Holy Communion!!! Wow, I tell you, I really, really wanted to receive him. Missed him on a number of occasions such as Friday (couldnt reach mass on time) and it really makes a difference. Why? Because the Eucharist is Jesus and just imagine this wonderful gift of receiving God himself. The amount of healing, love and graces received is incomprehendable. Imagine my double joy when I entered the auditorium and saw this cute little gal looking up at me... my little niece Tricia!! She had noticed me when I entered the audi and she waved at me. She will be 2 years in July. I quickly went down and sat with them. Philip my nephew was so happy to see me and at peace time he couldnt wait to kiss me. I tell you my heart couldn't have been filled with so much joy. This afternoon also, one of the church goers kids (who remind me of my own nephew and niece) saw me and said 'hello auntie' and waved at me. I think I might changed jobs next year.. try teaching hahaha. Coz I really love kids and youth. But only if I feel God calling me to. If God calls you, you can never go wrong when you step up to do it. Another thing I guess is that I must overcome my shyness and fear I guess!!! Haha.. I'm sure you all know me lah... pretty quiet.. don't really make the first move in talking to people that I meet the first time. Well, we'll see!! I'll just leave it up to God!!!! If I'm straight with God I have nothing to fear. So very true. But you can't be with sin either. I realised that if you have sin with you, even if you ask for forgiveness or am sorry about it, unless you go for Confession, there always is this naggy feeling or guilt and sorrow which Confession removes. If you don't go, from my personal experiences, you will be questioning your abilities even when what you are doing is right because of that stain of guilt/sorrow on you that prevents God's love and guidance to show you the right way. Yupyup. Confession, being a sacrament, heals you just as Holy Communion does. Heals you, gives you graces to remain close to God. And I strongly believe, that one of the reasons why I am here is because I can relate the people and what they have been through, and more so that I can share with them about God and how he helps and loves through situations, coz I've been through it myself!! Just gotta get over the communication part lah.
Anywayz, on other stuff briefly (coz I gotta zzz in a while)... my manager told me last week she dreamt about me - I asked her if good or bad, and she said, she dreamt I tendered my resignation!! Hahaha.... anyway, we'll be getting a new colleaugue soon. Anyway, in 2 days time, will be June, and June I will be in charge of the emails. Emails are the most stressful because alot of complaints come from them. Please, please pray for me. I can't wait to change jobs (not necessarily company) should the opportunity arrives. Its just not the job for me lah, yeah... facing nasty customers etc etc. Also, I'm sure you guys know I cut my hair a day before my birthday!!! This is the first haircut that I truly liked. Usually I feel that its too short. This is short too, but I dun know I love it!! ANd thousands of people love it too. Thousands because I've lost count. Definitely more than the fingers of my hand, hahahhaha!!! But I did count the number of people who said I looked like a model : 3. Hhahahaa.. and today one said getting prettier and prettier.. hhahaha... not that I'm boasting, or vain, but its nice to receive compliments once in a while. Hhahaha!!
Previous post showed another compliment. Compliments at work are good... just in case I screw up in the future, which is quite likely considering the nature of my job and my 'blur' 'speak before I think' personally!! Hahahah...
Well, I hope my post has somewhat given you a better understanding of me, or maybe, perhaps you can find that you can relate to the experience... you know.. the tough times.. just remember.. there will be a storm.. but in the end, what do you get? The rainbow.. Just stay close to God no matter what.. He will see you through.. and ultimately, it s the promise of being with Him in heaven.. oooohhh I can't wait ;) Good night and God bless
27th May 2005:
Ok, thats it.. I can't take it.. I have to talk.. and there's no one who is willing to listen who will understand and who will remain neutral.. except God, whom I will talk to after this and this blog. Sobsob.. I think I'm going to have a good cry after this. Maybe because I'm tired. I don't know.. there's just some stuff that is putting tremendous pressure on me. And people think that I'm blah blah blah blah? No, seriously, I don't care.. coz God knows better... But maybe you would like to try being in my shoes? Yes that would be good wouldn't it. People of authority coming to you asking you to do this and do that... and yet, this very people, when you've tried your hardest, question you and are skeptical and doubt your abilty. Whats the point then???? By the time I rise up to the level of your 'ability' I won't be here already!!! And the worse is that your own people think that way of you. Yeah, don't care right, just move on.. time will tell. There's website materials to do. There's people to contact and outreach. (When you reach home at 7pm everyday, half the time occupied planning other stuff you don't even have time to rest) There's the meeting to plan. Ok, if you think this is so simple, try it. Do not play with people's spirituality. You gotta research and read the readings to see what topic would be suitable for that week. Even bible study/sharing has to be planned a bit before hand? People never ever confirm with you certain things until last minute. If it doesn't work out, who is responsible for carrying it out? You. You know what... just forget it. I'm so disillisioned right now, I'm going to pray then sleep. Jesus, save me.
Seriously.. was under tremendous pressure, stress, sadness... no one to turn to except God.. was at the end of my tether.. contemplated talking to people straight on and facing the issues straight on.. but as I spent more time thinking about it and time in prayer, I thought I'd bring it up during prayer as a form of reflection. No point confronting people to face issues of forcing them. Ultimately, everything we do is for God and hence, bringing it back to the source was what I decided to do. I also decided to open my bible and read. Yeah, I don't usually read the bible, haha, but, it is the Word of God.. and God does speak to you through his word. I desperately needed words of encouragement. And it was then that I came across the passages to use as well, which fitted so aptly with what I wanted to talk/pray about.
1 Corinthian 10:16-18 (this Sunday's second reading that fitted so perfectly!!)
Ephesians Chapter 4 - The Unity of the Body
And as I spent a bit more time in prayer earlier today:
Luke 12 4-6 - Whom to fear
Mark 11 27-33 - The Question about Jesus' Authority
1 Corinthians 12 12-31 - One Body with Many Parts
Fantastic I tell you. I was reaffirmed with reading the bible. God seriously speaks to you through the bible. I'll be reading it more to make references as well. Also, I prayed pretty hard in a certain way. Yes, I'll admit, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I didn't want to mess things up.. especially since I had chosen to do this in a form of prayer, I was especially afraid of messing with the spiritual stuff. Now I remember - I even told God - if I were to say anything wrong during prayer, please strike me, less I continue. God definitely heard me. I was surprised that I managed to say and lead everything confidently. (God was there defintely) Well, except for leading the guitar part. Wrong key... Hahaha... maybe my time has not yet come to lead prayer with guitar.
Anyway, it looks as though most stuff has been resolved.. I say most because I know one little inkling bit that still has not. And I don't know how to tackle it. You would least expect what it is to be, but I am not going to mention it here because I don't know who reads my blog. As a leader you have to notice stuff and be able to discern what you notice as well as be able to handle it. For now I will just pray, as I did for today, and I'm sure that God will be in charge. All I will say is, I think it has got to do with priorities, commitments and perhaps, a bit of discouragement as well.
And then I was going to mass... so happily... was so looking forward to mass and praising him and to receive him in Holy Communion!!! Wow, I tell you, I really, really wanted to receive him. Missed him on a number of occasions such as Friday (couldnt reach mass on time) and it really makes a difference. Why? Because the Eucharist is Jesus and just imagine this wonderful gift of receiving God himself. The amount of healing, love and graces received is incomprehendable. Imagine my double joy when I entered the auditorium and saw this cute little gal looking up at me... my little niece Tricia!! She had noticed me when I entered the audi and she waved at me. She will be 2 years in July. I quickly went down and sat with them. Philip my nephew was so happy to see me and at peace time he couldnt wait to kiss me. I tell you my heart couldn't have been filled with so much joy. This afternoon also, one of the church goers kids (who remind me of my own nephew and niece) saw me and said 'hello auntie' and waved at me. I think I might changed jobs next year.. try teaching hahaha. Coz I really love kids and youth. But only if I feel God calling me to. If God calls you, you can never go wrong when you step up to do it. Another thing I guess is that I must overcome my shyness and fear I guess!!! Haha.. I'm sure you all know me lah... pretty quiet.. don't really make the first move in talking to people that I meet the first time. Well, we'll see!! I'll just leave it up to God!!!! If I'm straight with God I have nothing to fear. So very true. But you can't be with sin either. I realised that if you have sin with you, even if you ask for forgiveness or am sorry about it, unless you go for Confession, there always is this naggy feeling or guilt and sorrow which Confession removes. If you don't go, from my personal experiences, you will be questioning your abilities even when what you are doing is right because of that stain of guilt/sorrow on you that prevents God's love and guidance to show you the right way. Yupyup. Confession, being a sacrament, heals you just as Holy Communion does. Heals you, gives you graces to remain close to God. And I strongly believe, that one of the reasons why I am here is because I can relate the people and what they have been through, and more so that I can share with them about God and how he helps and loves through situations, coz I've been through it myself!! Just gotta get over the communication part lah.
Anywayz, on other stuff briefly (coz I gotta zzz in a while)... my manager told me last week she dreamt about me - I asked her if good or bad, and she said, she dreamt I tendered my resignation!! Hahaha.... anyway, we'll be getting a new colleaugue soon. Anyway, in 2 days time, will be June, and June I will be in charge of the emails. Emails are the most stressful because alot of complaints come from them. Please, please pray for me. I can't wait to change jobs (not necessarily company) should the opportunity arrives. Its just not the job for me lah, yeah... facing nasty customers etc etc. Also, I'm sure you guys know I cut my hair a day before my birthday!!! This is the first haircut that I truly liked. Usually I feel that its too short. This is short too, but I dun know I love it!! ANd thousands of people love it too. Thousands because I've lost count. Definitely more than the fingers of my hand, hahahhaha!!! But I did count the number of people who said I looked like a model : 3. Hhahahaa.. and today one said getting prettier and prettier.. hhahaha... not that I'm boasting, or vain, but its nice to receive compliments once in a while. Hhahaha!!
Previous post showed another compliment. Compliments at work are good... just in case I screw up in the future, which is quite likely considering the nature of my job and my 'blur' 'speak before I think' personally!! Hahahah...
Well, I hope my post has somewhat given you a better understanding of me, or maybe, perhaps you can find that you can relate to the experience... you know.. the tough times.. just remember.. there will be a storm.. but in the end, what do you get? The rainbow.. Just stay close to God no matter what.. He will see you through.. and ultimately, it s the promise of being with Him in heaven.. oooohhh I can't wait ;) Good night and God bless
posted by Marie Therese @ 9:57 pm
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