I’m ‘GONE’

Marie ~ Missing In Action

Not too long ago, our dearest mars's computer suffered a severe breakdown.
It has since refused to revive itself. A replacement computer should be
coming in the next couple of months. Meanwhile, i will help mars to post her
blogs. Happy reading!

Hi…

How are you? I haven’t written in ages I know. My pc has crashed!! Thanks to dear Mai for helping me to post this. My life is in a whirl ever since mid June.

Oh yeah, June was the Youth Fest btw. Whereby we had a fruit & fruit juices stall. There was so must co-ordination btw. Thank gdness Aunty Loo helped. But she was the ONLY ONE from the parents group to help, even though she gave me some numbers of the parents to call to borrow the juicers from, somehow couldn’t get them and it was the YOUTH who were the ones who lent their juicers. And we almost had a screw up coz the co-ordinators were telling me 2 nights before that there was another group who also was going to sell fruit juices?? What the??

And the group worked their butts off and afterwards I saw them in a new light. A lot of respect. And yes, it was the YOUTH who were there the whole time, some right from morning all the way till store closing and for the rally. Even Rev told me later he was surprised the parents didn’t help us.

But somewhere, afterwards all this, and not just because of the FEST, I lost all motivation, all enthusiasm, lost passion, lost everything. I came home in the night of June 18th and when I went into my room I saw my pc had turned blank and there was one line saying something like low in resources press any key to continue. But when I pressed the key, all the pc did was make a groaning noise. I did shut down my pc before I left. Ever since then, even though I put the Quick Restore CD in, it didn’t work. Great. Where am I gonna get the money to get a new pc. And every month I’m paying $60 for the internet. I’m blowing $60 this month away.

Monday June 20th. Dragged myself to work. Couldn’t take it, was feeling terrible. Left work around 11something to see the doctor. Was on MC Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday back to work. My colleaugue’s turn to MC. Double load. Was still not feeling too good. Thursday and Friday were the worst. I still went to work but my head was throbbing, my heart was beating so fast and my whole body was shaking. I later found out it was the medicine. “May cause palpitations and tremors”. Great, just great.

Mgr didn’t believe I was sick. She told me she believes it’s a sign of my management of stress. I drank lots of hot drinks. Friday my colleague was on MC again. And the worst thing was, I still had to answer phone calls. How to talk to people when my head felt like it was going to burst? There was one customer who kept on calling and I could tell he was trying to be funny. He wanted to know what items he could exchange for with his linkpoints, and one of the items was a ‘funky pen’. He tried to be funny saying it was a ‘Barbie pen’ and that he might as well manufacture it, blah blah, ask me how come members were not informed earlier that cannot offset purchases with linkpoints, kept on calling, saying ‘hor bor’, asking me to reveal confidential information like emails, until finally I lost it… I told him I don’t know what is hor bor and he was like ‘you don’t know meh? Ur not Chinese? Even though ur not Chinese ur Singaporean what, how can Singaporean not know’? then he called me bitchy. I told him ‘thank you for your feedback have a nice day’ and hung up the phone on him. Terrible.

I did not go for praise. Could not make it back home either, took a cab. Saturday was my turn to work. Still had to drag myself. Whats worse was that I was alone on duty. Mgr called me to make sure I was in. I almost cried coz I couldn’t take it, and couldn’t tell her how I was feeling. In the end I did not on my phone lines and the whole time I had to put my head on the table coz the pain was that intense. I had to tahan for about 2 hours until 10 something when my other colleague came in, and then I left, but had to book a taxi as I couldn’t drag myself out to the road. It was a terrible time… the immense pain in my head, a heart beating so fast that it felt it was going to be beat itself right out of my ribcage, (like ALIENS) that kinda feeling and feeling so weak, your whole body is trembling.

The amount of money I spent that week I tell you. Double visits to doctor. Taxis both to and from work. And the medicine doc gave me on sat was not good enough. On sun I had to drag myself for 6pm mass. I had no voice. I saw Reverend, and he told me ‘persevere and that they all missed me in Friday and that so few people came’ the whole week he was telling me ‘its not easy I know, just persevere’ oh my goodness I couldn’t take it… first of all I couldn’t tell him how I really felt second my head was still throbbing and how to persevere when everything was falling apart seriously I just couldn’t take the immense pressure from work, church everything I dragged myself to Purmei and just started crying and behaving like a lunatic seriously. Maybe not a lunatic but like someone gone mad. Ok I guess it’s the same.

People were all looking at me but I couldn’t help it not with my head so painful and the immense pressure and stress I had to face the upcoming week, my poor mom who was with me had a shock. I told her I wanted to go to the hospital, or perhaps the mental hospital even coz people don’t even know or believe that I was genuinely unwell. Seriously I tell u that was the worst point in my life I was feeling terribly sick and had terrible stress from everywhere, had no one to talk to, except my mom, who probably didn’t even understand either. I seriously didn’t know what to do with work and with youth. My mom even wanted to call my mgr to explain to her how I was feeling.

In the end I joined Ian at his table and told him my fear and that I couldn’t manage. I didn’t even think James who was supposed to lead praise for that Friday would even turn up, coz I had the perception that he was not interested in youth anymore. (I was later proven wrong) Ian said he would help me with the session, coz I didn’t see how I could do it, not being in the frame that I was, and seeing that I had asked Dennis and Fabian to do the session consecutively 2 weeks earlier. And always when I ask Rev. for help he says I have to facilitate and he will add on. Seriously that day I thought I would die. Now I know why some people attempt or commit suicide. Hahaha not that I was going to, but now I know what they feel to make them wanna do it. I think maybe next time I should be a counsellor or psychiatrist. And learn psychology.

The issue of Friday was solved but not the issue of the youth carrying on with just 2 of us. I didn’t know what to do about that, then I realise that if we cant handle, then we shouldn’t just carry on doing stuff just for the sake of doing, when the youth themselves may not even be interested. And then there was work. I woke up on Monday and felt that I couldn’t go to work. So I took MC for another day. Slowly I recovered but by then, seriously I tell you I had lost all motivation, all passion, all enthusiasm, lost all FAITH and I was disillusioned and I put GOD ASIDE I just stopped BELIEVING. It was just plain terrible. There was pressure from one group, and I couldn’t even explain our situation, and not because I didn’t want to, stuff coming up while I’m working and thus Im so distracted but I have to solve the situation on the spot or not I would be thinking of it the whole time im working, how to work… there was one time I wanted to skip work just so I could ensure that Friday’s praise would be carried on smoothly.. I was told then that it would be a bad move and a black mark against me. Now ive been told not to neglect work either coz it seems as though im so distracted that im not working properly. I’ve been told to take a break. Seriously where has all the passion gone.

And then the following Sunday, in my own words I will put it this way: we had a “shouting match”. TERRIBLE. I shant even go into the details but somehow everything went that way I guess coz of a lot of MISUNDERSTANDING. There’s one thing that I truly believe is EVIL and that is misunderstandings. They are the roots of all evil, and it gets even worse if you don’t clarify. Unfortunately, I still feel the same way : (
I feel that ‘dread’, I’d rather just stay at home and don’t face the world and just rot and die coz I simply HATE LIFE right now. Unfortunately. Yes, that’s how I feel right now. I tried praying yesterday… read the bible, but I don’t understand what God wants to tell me : ( it almost felt as though I was forcing myself to pray.

And then after praying I decided to take 124 back. And imagine my surprise when I saw my mom at the bus stop. I would like to think that that was a sign from God, coz I’ve always seen my mom as my ‘sunshine’ especially when Im in my downmost times. But I still felt so EMPTY. Then I went back to church for 6pm mass. Was 15 minutes early. Sat at the back and started thinking about the terrible mess everything was in right now.

Suddenly this guy came up to me from the side and asked me whether the seat beside me was taken. I had a shock. I said no and removed my bag and umbrella. He sat down beside me and offered me a tissue. Haha he thought I was crying. Then he started making conversation, but haha I felt so weird I didn’t talk much. His name was Luke, studying at TMC Monash, working as a waiter at Harry’s. And he kept asking if I was a convent girl and what grade I was in. Haha I’m not so young I wish. Maybe it was the hair band and the Fila shoes. And he said if he was disturbing my thoughts maybe he should go back and I was like it was ok. What was I supposed to say! I think he’s not from our parish, I asked him if it was the first time he was here and he said no, but I think prob the first time in a long time. And since he spoke with an accent I asked him if he was local, and he said Eurasian. And then he asked me how long ago was I at STC, and I said 6 years. And he was like, wow twice in a day he’s had bad judgement. Haha… and then mass started… and then after mass, he was like, ‘see you around’ and then he added parting words, ‘Marie, you should smile more, a frown doesn’t look good on you.’ HAHAHAHAHA. It was so weird I tell you. Hmm, well if I wasn’t frowning you wouldn’t have approached me then right? Hahahah…. And then I was trying to make out what Jesus’ message for me was in this. Still can’t figure.

SOBSOB I desperately need someone to talk to me who can tell me words that I will know at once is right and is coming from God. But I can only think about 2 people, and they’re both gone, not around at this point in time. Sobsob. I still feel so drained, so lost, so UNHAPPY so BORED with life and EVERYTHING. I seriously don’t know what to do. I think I will start with confession and perhaps with the graces and love received from the sacrament I can pull myself together. Losing FAITH is a SERIOUS SIN that’s what I know for sure. I just hope I can pull myself together coz right now, life is still the pits for me.

I hate my job, the people around me are great, they have really stood by me, but everyday I have to drag myself to work, and my workplace is so far, by the time I reach home is already 7plus. And I must sleep by 11pm to wake up at 7am. And nearly $300 a month goes to transport, and bcoz of that its become a habit and I cant even save. I’ve always believed Jesus gave me the job coz I was bumming around doing nothing and it fell into my lap but I cant take it anymore Jesus, next month I will be a year with this and I cant work in this job forever, I don’t have time to look for a new job and I have no idea what job would be suitable for me!!! Please, please help me find my calling and direction and vocation in this life.

Youth. Seriously I have no idea what in the world am I with the youth. Yes, I always wanted to do church work and ive always love the youth and working with the youth, but seriously why in the world am I with the youth if Im not doing what you want for the youth! All the church people want are work work big events, basically stuff that has to be clearly seen. Im not against any activities mind you, we need fellowship and stuff to draw youth in but why must we conform ourselves just to be ‘seen and heard’, isn’t God always seeing? And why must we do events such as the Fest whereby we totally burn ourselves out. I think we should space out our stuff. And don’t you find that HE is missing from our activities, both spiritual and recreational… if you’ve been around before you will see the difference. Seriously when I was elected I was told by someone, ‘He chose you’ great… I seriously would like to know why you chose me then if right now I’m in this state.. Im not holy like the rest b4 me, how to be a good leader if you’re not strong in your faith, look at me right now, faith all gone, and sorry, people, I cant change myself to conform to others expectations and don’t ask me to find the answers myself I cant. I really wanna know what you want me to do Jesus. Coz right now I don’t know what to do. Seriously, you guys think that I’m not stepping up to it, not taking charge or doing stuff that im supposed to do. It bothered me at first, then it didn’t bother me coz I and God knows better, but now its bothering me again. Im only human. What am I supposed to do if there’s expectations and pressure which cant be fulfilled!!!!! You do it lah. Haha, be in my shoes just for a day and you’ll know. Arrrgghhh I just gotta pull myself together. Wish me luck. God bless me.