Reality
Wow, I can’t believe it. I was having doubts about going for the camp seriously. Firstly, I could only take 1-day leave. Meaning, I would be able to go for 3 days of the camp instead of 4. Secondly, with all the stuff going on the past few months for me, I just wanted to take a break from everything. Was seriously considering just relaxing instead of the camp. And when I called Francis, I was secretly hoping he would tell me, “no need for you to come” but instead he told me “I’m fine with you going”. Yikes. Ok, so I went.
The kids of this camp were different from a lot of other camps as in they were very welcoming and accepting from the start, making it so easy to talk to them – as me, being the unsociable me with lots of insecurities. I found it fantastic how everything was just linked together… the sessions and all… to the Trinity… and that weekend mass was about the Trinity. I loved Aunty Denise’s session – family. All her sharings… I could just relate to them. When Fr J.J. started singing, “Be still and know I am God” my whole being just turned and I just felt, God. Deacon Gerard showed beautiful pictures. And Isabelle was just cool. I love her directness and to the point and chop chop way of doing the session. I love the water game, the Reconciliation, (the skits could really be related to), the Armour of God. You guys are so talented man!!! Kudos kudos.
And then came Saturday night. THE night! Haha… one of the reasons why I did not want to go for the camp was because of that. I was afraid. Ahhh!!! Afraid of praying over… afraid just afraid. Didn’t know what to do. Prayed so fervently during the mass. Just to add, I did not feel the Spirit as strongly as Francis and Jock during the mass. Perhaps because I was so distracted. But I was just so afraid. Even though it was not on the schedule, somehow I knew it was coming. And it did. And then Francis asked who would like to do praying over. And I did not put up my hand. But by then my whole being was shaking already. Heart pumping blood rushing. And then Francis said “if your heart is beating fast just put up your hand” or something like that. That’s it man… so I had to put up my hand. If I did not it would just be worse. But because I did there was no turning back already. And Francis asked me “Marie can you lead a group”. How to say no! Step up step up. So I said yes. And that was it. I had to deal with my fear!
Ivan said he wanted to pray… and so we did.. he, me and Jerry… but after that I broke down already… I couldn’t take it.. I wanted so much to do God’s will to say yes to God… and this fear that I had was simply killing me… I just had to cry but I must say that afterwards I was much more calm. And of course, Jerry’s words struck me! It did not hit me instantly but after everything. I could not sleep that night. It hit me right in the heart… and what has been said before… if someone comes up to you and says a message from God it will hit you direct in the heart. Jerry, he who calls me cockroach… he who says so little to me… and that was the first time he said more than a word or so… and it hit me. Must definitely mean something.
I think back to April.. just before Easter when I went for the praying over by Fr. Fred. He asked me, what would I like to pray for. And I said I would like to follow Jesus. And he said in which area. And I said “my whole life”. Now I know… by whole life.. it doesn’t mean I have to go run off to some foreign country or what nots to do Mission Work. It doesn’t mean I have to join the religious to become a nun. Both of which I was considering but it just didn’t seem right… no affirmation, no pathway… I could simply be serving him in my way of life right here and now in Singapore, in the church, in the youth group. Serving him by just living my life in the way as He taught we should. It doesn’t mean that I have to serve him by planning this activity and that for the youth group. By taking part in this or that. But when I feel Him calling me to do something… to just simply get over my fears to just surrender and let Him take over. To be His instrument. To be His vessel. Like the praying over on Saturday. Somehow all along in my heart I just knew it could not be avoided anymore. The confirmation camp in March – there was praying over. And I did not want to do it. Of course during that camp I had some of my own stuff to deal with. And of course, you know what people say.. if you are in sin, DO NOT pray over someone or your negative energy will be transferred. But I guess I just used that as an excuse.
Thinking back… always when there is something that I am so afraid about, there is a small part of me that knows that is what I’m supposed to do. And that is why the longer I keep avoiding, the more I keep running away… the more heavy my heart gets and the more lost I am. Because I am not doing His will. Because, deep down, I want to do His will.
You wanna know what Jerry told me. He said a lot… of which the first part I could not remember… but I remember so clearly he said the words “STEP UP” and it was repeated… and the last part, he used the example of “playing guitar also go and play by yourself”. And I know, I have been hearing these words so often from past leaders but I have not been taking action. And to hear it from someone else who is so much younger than me, whom I’m not close to, who is not in the core group to know the situation, it just struck me. And that is why I just feel that I let God down the whole time I was in leadership of STYG. I’m so sorry if I’ve let any of the people down, you guys down, if it had affected you in anyway. I will have to deal with it and it just breaks my heart to think of it.
Looking back, God was the only one who believed in me – that I could do it. As “President” position, STYG, I mean. I remember so clearly the words of someone who said to me after the election in January last year “He chose you”. Even that person who told me that, did not think it was me. I do not think any human being would have chosen me as I was so quiet nobody would have think I could have been a leader, although deep down in my heart I knew I could. And God chose me – and I just simply let Him down so many times. It’s just gonna take the rest of my life to make it right. I know its time to step down from the core. I cannot take that so-called “leadership” position with the responsibility and pressure and what nots. I simply can’t. And its not that I’m running away from it. Seriously the way I look at it, the damage has been done… I cannot salvage it – I can only serve in other ways – I will still be there and I know I will always be a leader. But not with the title and what nots. And I feel that God is calling me to now serve in other areas and concentrate freely and wholeheartedly on them without the pressure of having to plan for any activity or co-ordinate. If I would just stay on for those things it will just be half-hearted.
And of course, there are so many areas in my life I have to fix. I strongly feel that God is calling me to spend more time with my family. I’ve just been so busy with so many activities churchwise and not, that my weekends are packed and I was simply just so shocked to realise at one point that I had not seen my nephew and nieces in close to 6 months. But their love for me never wavered. And my parents too and my sister. Family is the most important thing. If you’re not right with your family, how can you serve in church. And I just wanna spend more time with my mom and my dad too. I’ve have not been a good daughter when I was young. Now even, sometimes. I gotta make it up to them. And I have my past sins to deal with. God has forgiven me but I simply can’t forgive myself.
(Over here, I just wanna add – never, EVER do things in life that you will regret later. Never EVER do something, that you wanna try it out, because of how it is portrayed of and how attractive it may seem, and if you just wanna try it, and if it’s against your moral values or the Christian teachings – I did so and it’s something that I’ve had to deal with since them – by God’s grace and mercy and love I finally got rid of it – but I have not been healed… the process is still taking so long… and in some way or the other, I am will never be the same again – you can take it from me as a living example although I don’t even know if I will ever be able to talk about it, but if it’s to help someone I will).
(This world with television and magazines and divorces and Hollywood and violence and drugs and sex and murders and wars is just simply getting out of hand. Too many are blinded, I see it now, how all these things can just affect people into thinking that it’s right, that its okay. NEVER EVER lose sight of GOD – STAY CLOSE TO HIM ALWAYS is what I can say. And PRAY. If deep down in your heart, your desire is to be with Him, He will help you to get out of it – He will help you to come back to Him. But you gotta ask. You gotta take that step).
I supposed that was why I was simply crying non-stop after Fr Fred’s praying over for me in April. And that it went on for a few days – and why I was feeling so depressed. Sister Priscilla, whom I talked to during my individual retreat at the Canossian centre was right. It was simply healing. Healing and God calling me to Him to the next level. That was when it all began for me… and this camp… just affirmed a lot of things more.
I am so excited!!! God’s spirit is moving… and people will be converted… and hearts will change. Amen alleluia… and above all… LOVE will conquer all… something which I felt so very strongly during the camp, during my birthday… something which I’ve just been feeling so strongly these past few months. Pray people pray!!! And love with God’s love! Amen!
REALITY – 12 June 06 – Monday – 1.30PM
I just wanna thank all those people, who have been there for me, and whom, I’ve just seen God’s love shine through. Not only for me, but for others as well. You know who you are! And its blasts ok! Blasts of God’s love! That’s how strong it is! Hurrayyy AMEN!
The kids of this camp were different from a lot of other camps as in they were very welcoming and accepting from the start, making it so easy to talk to them – as me, being the unsociable me with lots of insecurities. I found it fantastic how everything was just linked together… the sessions and all… to the Trinity… and that weekend mass was about the Trinity. I loved Aunty Denise’s session – family. All her sharings… I could just relate to them. When Fr J.J. started singing, “Be still and know I am God” my whole being just turned and I just felt, God. Deacon Gerard showed beautiful pictures. And Isabelle was just cool. I love her directness and to the point and chop chop way of doing the session. I love the water game, the Reconciliation, (the skits could really be related to), the Armour of God. You guys are so talented man!!! Kudos kudos.
And then came Saturday night. THE night! Haha… one of the reasons why I did not want to go for the camp was because of that. I was afraid. Ahhh!!! Afraid of praying over… afraid just afraid. Didn’t know what to do. Prayed so fervently during the mass. Just to add, I did not feel the Spirit as strongly as Francis and Jock during the mass. Perhaps because I was so distracted. But I was just so afraid. Even though it was not on the schedule, somehow I knew it was coming. And it did. And then Francis asked who would like to do praying over. And I did not put up my hand. But by then my whole being was shaking already. Heart pumping blood rushing. And then Francis said “if your heart is beating fast just put up your hand” or something like that. That’s it man… so I had to put up my hand. If I did not it would just be worse. But because I did there was no turning back already. And Francis asked me “Marie can you lead a group”. How to say no! Step up step up. So I said yes. And that was it. I had to deal with my fear!
Ivan said he wanted to pray… and so we did.. he, me and Jerry… but after that I broke down already… I couldn’t take it.. I wanted so much to do God’s will to say yes to God… and this fear that I had was simply killing me… I just had to cry but I must say that afterwards I was much more calm. And of course, Jerry’s words struck me! It did not hit me instantly but after everything. I could not sleep that night. It hit me right in the heart… and what has been said before… if someone comes up to you and says a message from God it will hit you direct in the heart. Jerry, he who calls me cockroach… he who says so little to me… and that was the first time he said more than a word or so… and it hit me. Must definitely mean something.
I think back to April.. just before Easter when I went for the praying over by Fr. Fred. He asked me, what would I like to pray for. And I said I would like to follow Jesus. And he said in which area. And I said “my whole life”. Now I know… by whole life.. it doesn’t mean I have to go run off to some foreign country or what nots to do Mission Work. It doesn’t mean I have to join the religious to become a nun. Both of which I was considering but it just didn’t seem right… no affirmation, no pathway… I could simply be serving him in my way of life right here and now in Singapore, in the church, in the youth group. Serving him by just living my life in the way as He taught we should. It doesn’t mean that I have to serve him by planning this activity and that for the youth group. By taking part in this or that. But when I feel Him calling me to do something… to just simply get over my fears to just surrender and let Him take over. To be His instrument. To be His vessel. Like the praying over on Saturday. Somehow all along in my heart I just knew it could not be avoided anymore. The confirmation camp in March – there was praying over. And I did not want to do it. Of course during that camp I had some of my own stuff to deal with. And of course, you know what people say.. if you are in sin, DO NOT pray over someone or your negative energy will be transferred. But I guess I just used that as an excuse.
Thinking back… always when there is something that I am so afraid about, there is a small part of me that knows that is what I’m supposed to do. And that is why the longer I keep avoiding, the more I keep running away… the more heavy my heart gets and the more lost I am. Because I am not doing His will. Because, deep down, I want to do His will.
You wanna know what Jerry told me. He said a lot… of which the first part I could not remember… but I remember so clearly he said the words “STEP UP” and it was repeated… and the last part, he used the example of “playing guitar also go and play by yourself”. And I know, I have been hearing these words so often from past leaders but I have not been taking action. And to hear it from someone else who is so much younger than me, whom I’m not close to, who is not in the core group to know the situation, it just struck me. And that is why I just feel that I let God down the whole time I was in leadership of STYG. I’m so sorry if I’ve let any of the people down, you guys down, if it had affected you in anyway. I will have to deal with it and it just breaks my heart to think of it.
Looking back, God was the only one who believed in me – that I could do it. As “President” position, STYG, I mean. I remember so clearly the words of someone who said to me after the election in January last year “He chose you”. Even that person who told me that, did not think it was me. I do not think any human being would have chosen me as I was so quiet nobody would have think I could have been a leader, although deep down in my heart I knew I could. And God chose me – and I just simply let Him down so many times. It’s just gonna take the rest of my life to make it right. I know its time to step down from the core. I cannot take that so-called “leadership” position with the responsibility and pressure and what nots. I simply can’t. And its not that I’m running away from it. Seriously the way I look at it, the damage has been done… I cannot salvage it – I can only serve in other ways – I will still be there and I know I will always be a leader. But not with the title and what nots. And I feel that God is calling me to now serve in other areas and concentrate freely and wholeheartedly on them without the pressure of having to plan for any activity or co-ordinate. If I would just stay on for those things it will just be half-hearted.
And of course, there are so many areas in my life I have to fix. I strongly feel that God is calling me to spend more time with my family. I’ve just been so busy with so many activities churchwise and not, that my weekends are packed and I was simply just so shocked to realise at one point that I had not seen my nephew and nieces in close to 6 months. But their love for me never wavered. And my parents too and my sister. Family is the most important thing. If you’re not right with your family, how can you serve in church. And I just wanna spend more time with my mom and my dad too. I’ve have not been a good daughter when I was young. Now even, sometimes. I gotta make it up to them. And I have my past sins to deal with. God has forgiven me but I simply can’t forgive myself.
(Over here, I just wanna add – never, EVER do things in life that you will regret later. Never EVER do something, that you wanna try it out, because of how it is portrayed of and how attractive it may seem, and if you just wanna try it, and if it’s against your moral values or the Christian teachings – I did so and it’s something that I’ve had to deal with since them – by God’s grace and mercy and love I finally got rid of it – but I have not been healed… the process is still taking so long… and in some way or the other, I am will never be the same again – you can take it from me as a living example although I don’t even know if I will ever be able to talk about it, but if it’s to help someone I will).
(This world with television and magazines and divorces and Hollywood and violence and drugs and sex and murders and wars is just simply getting out of hand. Too many are blinded, I see it now, how all these things can just affect people into thinking that it’s right, that its okay. NEVER EVER lose sight of GOD – STAY CLOSE TO HIM ALWAYS is what I can say. And PRAY. If deep down in your heart, your desire is to be with Him, He will help you to get out of it – He will help you to come back to Him. But you gotta ask. You gotta take that step).
I supposed that was why I was simply crying non-stop after Fr Fred’s praying over for me in April. And that it went on for a few days – and why I was feeling so depressed. Sister Priscilla, whom I talked to during my individual retreat at the Canossian centre was right. It was simply healing. Healing and God calling me to Him to the next level. That was when it all began for me… and this camp… just affirmed a lot of things more.
I am so excited!!! God’s spirit is moving… and people will be converted… and hearts will change. Amen alleluia… and above all… LOVE will conquer all… something which I felt so very strongly during the camp, during my birthday… something which I’ve just been feeling so strongly these past few months. Pray people pray!!! And love with God’s love! Amen!
REALITY – 12 June 06 – Monday – 1.30PM
I just wanna thank all those people, who have been there for me, and whom, I’ve just seen God’s love shine through. Not only for me, but for others as well. You know who you are! And its blasts ok! Blasts of God’s love! That’s how strong it is! Hurrayyy AMEN!
posted by Marie Therese @ 12:58 pm
1 Comments:
At 1:39 am ,
Anonymous said...
hi there...just happened to chance upon your blog. you seem to have alot of personal demons to deal with. i am not christian nor am i firm believer in God,perhaps you could call me agnostic, but i respect your faith in God and your attempts to try and channel that and using it to cleanse those demons.i just hope you will in time come to terms with your past, get over it emotionally and just let bygones be bygones.i'm sure you will be fine dear...i know you will :)
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